


Did You And Jupiter Conspire To Get Me (I Think You And The Moon And Neptune Got It Right)

by AnotherAnonymousAuthor



Category: Women's Hockey RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-04-25 07:03:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4951132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherAnonymousAuthor/pseuds/AnotherAnonymousAuthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It started in Sochi. And then it kept going; to Wisconsin; to Sweden; to Boston. It wasn't meant to, but it wasn't like either of them wanted it to stop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The One That Is Like A Prologue...Only Shorter

Their arrangement was started out of the sting of frustration and disappointment. It was an easy outlet but it was only supposed to happen a few times. They even made rules.

#1 – it’s pure sex.

#2 – no feelings.

#3 – it’s not a relationship.

 

 

Yeah, right.


	2. The One Where It All Starts

It was quiet in the locker room.

The silence was punctured by the slow tired movements of players removing their skates, their uniforms, their pads, and the sound of that damn medal hitting the inside of their lockers.

Hilary tries to think back to the game, about that one call and about what the hell went wrong. They were up by two only to lose in overtime. All she can remember is the desperation beginning to seep in and then the solid feeling of her knees hitting the ice when the final buzzer rang.

Her face is still screwed up in concentration and her jaw is set tight as she tries not to cry like some of her other teammates. There are no words for the sting that they’re all feeling at the moment; for the disappointment they all feel for not getting that one gold medal for Chuey.

She can’t remember what happens after she drops her medal on the pine interior of her locker and keeps stripping. She showers quickly and wonders if she would prefer to feel numb or to feel the sting.

It feels like Wisconsin versus Minnesota all over again. Only instead of in front of the entire country, it’s in front of the entire world. It’s so much more worse.

Back at the hotel after the bus ride, a few of the seniors mumble out about drinks at the hotel bar, but Hilary and Brianna just shuffle side by side down to their room. Brianna fumbles with her key card before she finally manages to swipe it because her hands are shaking but Hilary can’t figure out if it’s because she’s trying not to cry too or if she’s too numb to manage her fine motor skills.

It’s dark and silent in their room when Hilary buries the evidence at the very bottom of her suitcase and then there’s a heavy, dull stinging in her right hand that she’s really hoping to shake off but it’s not going anywhere.

“Punching walls isn’t exactly going to change anything, you know,” says Bri, unusually quiet from her bed. She’s been debating whether or not to turn her phone on for the last half an hour, and instead sitting in silence when she can’t make up her mind. Does she really want all the sympathetic voice messages and texts and social media notifications? “And it won’t make you feel better.”

“I know that,” Hilary grits out. “Now.”

“I’ll get you some ice.” Bri dumps her phone and leaves for a few minutes without another word. She grips Hilary’s bicep on her way past.

From somewhere, she’s scored a zip-lock baggy and filled it with ice from the machine down the hall and she’s stolen a hand towel from their bathroom. It took a moment to tug Hilary over to her bed to sit down, but now that they’re situated Bri’s holding her hand in her lap and icing it for her.

“I shouldn’t have gotten that penalty,” Hilary whispers. Bri has never heard her voice crack before. “We could’ve won if I hadn’t have-“

“But we didn’t, Hilary. We lost. And it sucks,” says Bri. “But blaming yourself isn’t going to help, and neither is punching walls! We _all_ lost.” There’s a bite to her words because she’s hurting too and Hilary seems a little bit taken aback at the tone and volume of her voice.

For someone so little, she sure is feisty. Already, the two of them are close; their thighs are touching and Bri’s arm is hooked under Hilary’s to hold it in her lap. But now there is an anger in the air, baiting the both of them. Bri is looking up at Hilary (and even sitting side by side there is still a height difference) who can see that all too familiar pain and desperation and the need for something, _anything_ , to distract her long enough to get over the hurt.

So Hilary does the only thing that comes to her mind.

She kisses Bri, who kisses back for a moment and then pulls away.

They shouldn’t and they know that, but that doesn’t stop Bri from dropping the bag of ice and climbing into Hilary’s lap to kiss her again.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Bri breathes.

It takes them a minute to work out the pressure because okay, yeah, this is new, but yeah, this is better than punching walls and there is almost a foots difference in height so it makes it a little awkward, and they’re both a little hesitant.

By the time Hilary is pushed back onto the bed, the decision is made for them and there is no stopping and there is definitely no going back.

Even in the frenzied rush of it all, Hilary still manages to end up with control and Bri definitely doesn’t seem to mind. Especially when Hilary’s thigh lifts up between Bri’s and the hands griping her hips rock them into the pressure for her.

“Fuck, Hilary.”

Hilary’s hands work at the ties of Bri’s Team USA sweats and her t-shirt is being pulled off at the same time, and now it’s fast and they’re both fumbling to undress each other and Bri is sucking on Hilary’s neck.

It’s barely a twin single and with Hilary’s height it’s definitely awkward but with Bri on top it works better. It means they can both reach between them far enough for it to be just right. Even after almost seventy minutes on the ice, they still have enough energy to fuck quick and hard and their forearms burn.

Hilary can feel her heart going in her chest as she comes and her eyes slide shut when Bri slips her fingers out. It’s a few more moments before Bri freezes on top of her and rolls her hips. Her head is buried in Hilary’s neck and she’s pulling Hilary’s hair hard.

They’re both sweaty and breathing heavy. Bri is definitely going to have marks on her back for the next few days.

Hilary is kissed long and slow and she really doesn’t mind because she’s throbbing in a _really_ good way.

“Just sex?” Bri asks. She’s still kissing Hilary lazily. “Between friends?”

“Yeah.” Hilary leans up on her elbows and kisses back. “Just sex. Nothing changes.”

“Good.” Bri kisses Hilary once more and then walks shamelessly to the bathroom for another shower.

Her hand throbs and brings her back to reality.

-

The next morning when they’re at breakfast, Duggs and Chuey smirk at her because she’s unusually quiet and sitting in silence next to Bri at an empty table. Even at Wisconsin she was trying to cheer everyone up the morning after a loss.

But Canada is on the other side of the room, and everyone is surprised they’re awake so early and not looking hung over.

“Nice hickey,” says Duggs into her ear, half an hour later when they start filtering out for one last team meeting before the closing ceremony.

Hilary avoids eye contact because she knows Bri heard Duggs, and huffs a chuckle before refilling her coffee and following her captain.

She shoves Bri when she spots the proud grin on her face.

-

Everything goes back to normal.

Hilary goes back to Boston and Bri goes back to Wisconsin.

They don’t talk about the fact that they screwed in Russia: what happens in Russia, apparently stays in Russia. They do talk but it’s not until the end of the season when Hilary has time to stop throwing herself into training and games and actual paid employment.

She misses college hockey and the hype so, on a whim, flies to Minnesota to watch her Badgers vie for the national championship. Or at least that’s what she tells herself when she buys the ticket. Okay, so she might be flying fifteen hundred miles just to see Bri and she admits that to herself four hours into her four and a half hour flight.

 _Gonna watch you dominate tonight,_ Hilary texts when she lands and starts looking to flag a cab. _Got the last rink side ticket._

It takes half an hour for Bri to answer and Hilary’s checking in to her hotel when her phone dings.

 _Oh yeah?_ Is all that comes back.

_Yeah. Maybe we can celebrate your frozen four title afterwards._

For a moment, Hilary feels stupid. She flew to Minnesota to watch a teammate she had sex with play in the frozen four championship game. Her year sucked: the lost the gold medal game, she lost the Clarkson Cup. She kind of really wants someone, _Bri_ , to win something.

Hilary takes her seat, a Red Bull in one hand and some popcorn in the other. She remembers this rink and it’s odd being on the other side of the glass but that doesn’t stop her hammering her fist on the window when Bri slides past during warm-ups.

The blonde spots her, braces to a stop and grins at her.

“You weren’t kidding!” Bri yells. She looks genuinely happy to see Hilary, and then points at the Badger’s hoodie and beanie. “Nice!”

“Badger for life. I meant it, I’m gonna watch you dominate.”

If any awkwardness existed, it’s gone now. And then Kes comes over to push a few buttons – they aren’t on the same team anymore.

“Come to watch your poor Badger’s loose again?” She’s cheesing through the glass and throws an arm over Bri’s shoulder.

“You’re going down,” they say at the same time, and Bri shrugs off Kes and pushes her playfully.

“Kessel, get over here!”

“Decker! Stop playing friends with the enemy!”

They skate off play fighting with each other. Bri turns back to Hilary and points at her.

It stays pretty close for the first two periods – Wisconsin is up by one. And then Kes puts one in the back of the net and it’s tied.

And then there’s another.

And another. And Wisconsin grapples for a penalty, for something to go their way.

Except it doesn’t happen and then buzzer goes off. Hilary can see Bri’s shoulder’s drop immediately. They’re in Gopher territory but even over the cheers there is still the sombre grief settling in. Hilary feels sad for Bri, and for her Badgers. On the ice, Hilary can see Kes break away from being mobbed to hug Bri out of good sportsmanship.

When Bri looks up and sees Hilary watching, she gives a forced smile. Hilary raises her hand to the glass and makes her way out.

It’s two hours later and she’s lying on her rather comfortable hotel bed in sweats and a sports bra when her phone dings next to her.

_Busy?_

Hilary wonders briefly as she types out a reply if Bri is looking for an escape from the repetitive sadness or if she is looking for sex to relieve the frustration. _Nope._

_Where are you?_

_Team hotel. 403._

A few minutes later there’s a knock on her door and when she opens it Bri is leaning against the door jam in Badgers sweats. She looks tired and disappointed and Hilary pulls her into the room and into a hug. Regardless of why Bri is there, Hilary is still sorry that she lost.

“You played good,” Hilary mumbles. She can feel the worn material of Bri’s sweatshirt against her skin.

“Bullshit.”

“You did.” They pull apart. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Bri shakes her head.

“Do you want to cry about it?

Bri smiles for a split second and then shakes her head again. She’s focussed on that love heart necklace Hilary always wears. Bri starts fiddling with it, and Hilary links her fingers behind Bri’s back forcing them closer together.

“What do you want?”

It takes a few seconds before she looks up, and a few more before she answers. “You.”

“Just sex. No feelings.”

“Nothing changes.”

It makes Hilary’s next decision very easy: she kisses Bri and drops her hands from her hips to lift her up all in one move.

And Bri lets her take her to bed.


	3. The One Where They Make Their Deal....And Test It Out.

It’s only April and she’s exhausted already. The off season has _barely_ started and she’s in Lake Placid for a nine day camp to begin the selection for Worlds.

Hilary has been to Idaho and back, and done nothing but train hard and work hard because she has to make a living somehow. Endorsements definitely help but they only go so far. Usually, she’s stuck at a desk four days a week, and on the ice that other three so she’s been so busy that she hasn’t even had any time to finish unpacking in her new apartment.

Her TV is still in the box.

In her hand is a quadruple shot caramel macchiato with extra cream, and behind her she drags her USA Hockey bag.

“Need a hand?” comes from her right somewhere. She’s also juggling an equipment bag over her shoulder.

Bri is heading her way with a smile. She takes the wheelie bag and falls into step.

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Hilary suddenly feels a little awkward because of how the silence falls over them in the foyer. “Haven’t heard from you since Minnesota. How have you been?”

“Tired,” says Hilary, holding up the coffee in her hand as evidence. “Done nothing but work and play since.”

They wait at the reception desk. “Why don’t you have a nap before the pre-dinner meeting?”

Hilary just smirks and lowers her voice. “Decks, are you trying to get me into bed again?”

Bri blushes, and chuckles. “That was a genuine suggestion of a nap, _Knighter._ ”

“I’d rather catch up with you first.” Hilary admits that she’s probably going to push boundaries because she’s seen Bri naked before, and definitely wants to see her naked again. But then she weighs up that they’re _still friends_ and that it’s _just sex_.

“So cocky,” Bri trails off as the receptionist comes out to check Hilary into her room.

-

“Now who’s cocky,” Hilary says, with a grin.

They’re playing five versus five, blue versus white in rotations and Bri just sunk her fourth shot in eight minutes. Hilary has only scored twice. Hilary’s team is currently losing.

Camp is beginning to come to an end and there is only two days left before they go their separate ways until September.

Bri just laughs, and high fives Kes because now nationals don’t matter anymore.

Coach yells for them to pick it up and there’s a fumble behind the net. A resounding _clang_ stops everyone in their tracks. Two players go down, and only one gets up.

Kes is taken off the ice by the trainers and they don’t see her for the rest of the day.

-

Everyone is mumbling and waiting for their night off to start; they’ve commandeered a conference room because they don’t all fit in the movie room and set up the projector for popcorn fights and terrible comedy’s.

No one mentions the Gopher’s absence, and Hilary and Bri sit very close against the back wall. Bri throws a few pieces of popcorn in between laughter, and they mutter between themselves.

“So, I’ve been thinking,” says Hilary.

“Uh oh.” Bri giggles into the playful push she’s given. “About what?”

“Sochi and Minnesota. And Boston because we all know that’s where you’re going when the draft opens in August.”

“You want to discuss _that_ right now?” The look on Bri’s face says it all.

Hilary stays silent for the last of the movie before declaring herself unable to watch another Jim Carey movie and excuses herself. Bri follows five minutes later, staring at her phone and mutters something about being tired from beating everyone so many times today.

“We have to stop meeting like this,” says Hilary.

Bri is still playing with her phone, but she’s leaning against the door jam just like in Minnesota and knocking on Hilary’s door. She just pushes past and drops to the bed closest to the door.

“Yeah, sex with you is really good, so I can’t see it stopping.”

“Which is part of what I was trying to say earlier.” Bri sits up on her elbows. “We should hook up.”

“Aren’t we already kind of doing that?”

Hilary scoffs because yeah they are but they never agreed about it happening again or not. “I mean like an agreement.”

Bri has caught on by this point. “You mean a friends with benefits arrangement.”

“Yeah,” Hilary smiles, spinning around in the desk chair. “Regular sex.”

Hilary watches and waits a little nervously; the last two times weren’t planned and agreeing on this means that they’re making a conscious decision to fuck a team mate. In team sports, that’s generally a no no. It messes with dynamics and if it goes south (not in the good way), then they’re all fucked regardless (again, not in the good way).

“You’re serious.” Hilary just nods, and spins again. When Bri stands from the bed, she stops. “Okay. But we need rules.”

“It’s just sex, it’s not like I’m asking you to marry me. Some tension relief that the trainers can’t quite get to.”

“I get that, but I really like having you as a friend as well. And if this fucks that up, no pun intended, it’s not really what I want.” Hilary can see the dilemma on Bri’s face, and she gets it; the sex is great, but is it worth risking their friendship and teammate relationship for? “It can’t interfere with our friendship or hockey. This doesn’t happen at camps or competitions.”

“We’re not dating. And if anything changes, we talk about it. None of that secret feelings crap. Just sex.” Bri settles herself in Hilary’s lap. “Deal?”

“Deal.” Bri kisses Hilary hard.

-

They don’t get to test their agreement until May.

It’s the beginning of summer and the first annual Traincation in Florida.

Hilary invited Bri to help her get some extra training in before the draft.

They sleep together three times and try not to wake up Schlep down the hall. She gives them a questioning look a few times because they’re without a doubt blatantly flirting but she doesn’t push it.

-

It’s the middle of June and the Boston summer is in full gear. There’s been a few beach sessions with the Blades players but not many because everyone works full time now that it’s the off season.

Hilary hasn’t seen Bri since Florida and she’s kind of itching for it. They’ve still been talking and most of their conversations end up something sexual, but she’s seen Bri naked twice so she’s not surprised that it goes there.

But she has seen Bri naked twice. They’ve had sex twice and she wants it again.

The next camp won’t be until August but even then they agreed no sex. After a late night workout because she’s _frustrated_ and she can’t sleep, Hilary wonders if she should just invite Bri out to Boston for a visit.

Bri beats her to it.

_Hey, just got the unofficial word. Boston it is._

Hilary grins. _Told you so. When are you coming for a visit to celebrate?_

It takes Bri a few minutes to answer and Hilary remembers that it’s a Sunday night and Bri is in Wisconsin so it’s the weekly Decker family dinner that she’s been told about so many times. It was the biggest thing Bri missed during college.

_Before school starts up ;). Need to start apartment hunting. Can I crash at yours for a week? I’ll repay you in sexual favours haha._

_Sure. Just let me know when!_

It ends up being two weeks later, and Hilary is standing in the middle of arrivals at the airport in those blue or green or somewhere in between coloured shorts and a singlet, waiting for Bri to come out from the gate.

It’s as hot as hell but they still hug like it’s been years since they’ve seen each other and Bri laughs when she gets spun around. Bri’s dragging her biggest hockey bag because they’re supposed to catch up with some people and work out and slack off and apartment hunt so she needs a lot of stuff even though it’s just a week.

“I finished a thing for ESPN this morning and I took the week off work,” Hilary says, as she lugs Bri’s bag into her boot and complains when it doesn’t fit. She swears that she has the most awkwardly shaped car boot in history. “I’m all yours.”

Bri pushes her aviators up her nose and smiles. ”To help me apartment hunt?”

“Yeah, apartment hunt. Of course.” Hilary merges into Boston traffic with a grin. “You got a plan yet?”

Bri sighs. Hilary knows that sigh all too well. ”Friends from college got jobs in the city, so between the three of us, we’re going to make a decision. As for a paying job,” Bri pauses, “I got nothing at this point.”

“You’ll find something, you got six months.” The look on Bri’s face makes Hilary think she’s not so convinced.

Hilary’s apartment is industrial and it’s cheap so she doesn’t care. Bri looks around while her host puts her bag in the bedroom; there are snap backs hanging up on the coat rack by the door and reminder post-it notes above the lock, nothing matches and her kitchen is a hallway but it’s so Hilary. She’s a little bit nervous because she never has people over, so with the exception of her mother who helped her find it in the first place, no one has even really seen her apartment.

“I like it.”

Hilary grins. “Want to eat out tonight?”

Bri laughs and collapses on the couch while Hilary fishes around for takeout menus.

-

“You’ve done your homework.”

Hilary’s mouth is full of cereal and she’s leaning against her couch looking over Bri’s shoulder the next morning at the long list of apartments they’ve got the week to get through. Already Hilary has knocked off half a dozen because they’re either too expensive or the neighbourhood is a bit dodgy. But the list is still pretty long.

“That’s a lot of apartments to look at. Are you sure you’re only here for a week?”

“I’ll make it worth your while,” Bri smirks, tipping back the last of her juice and standing from her chair.

Hilary almost chokes on her cereal and she has to put the bowl down quickly or else she’s going to drop it when her hands want to be on the hips in front of her. They’re the same height when Hilary’s leaning against the couch so it makes it easier for Bri to kiss her without straining too much. It’s easier for Bri to smirk and brush her hands over her stomach in a way that's enough to give her goose bumps.

Already, Hilary is very aware of the power she’s letting Bri have over her.

But she really doesn’t fucking care.

Especially when she’s being kissed like this, hard and slow, and there’s a hand low on her stomach starting to push the front of her shorts down. Bri knows how to push her buttons, but she’s not complaining at all.

“You better be prepared to follow through. I don’t like being teased.”

“I know,” whispers Bri, pushing up and into Hilary making her curse and clench around Bri’s fingers.

Her hips jolt forward and she can’t help the groan and the way her muscles tense when she arches her back. “Fuck.”

“Yep.” Bri increases her pace and buries her head, and Hilary pulls at Bri’s hair and grips the back of her couch. “Damn, you’re wet.”

Hilary thinks that she should be a little embarrassed that it doesn’t take very long for Bri to fuck her into oblivion against the side of her couch. But Bri has been walking around in just a tank top and her underwear because it’s so hot so Hilary’s been getting an eyeful since she arrived.

Not to mention she’s been horny since they were in Florida (but she’s not telling Bri that part) so it doesn’t take much.

Her cereal is soggy, her skin is a little sticky and her breathing is uneven as Bri keeps her fingers going, letting Hilary ride out that high a little longer. It doesn’t feel like just sex for a split-second when their heads are resting against each other.

And then Hilary is empty and Bri smirks again.

Later that night, when they should be tired after a full day of looking at apartments in the heat, Hilary eats her out and makes her scream.


	4. The One Where They Kind Of Get Caught

By Thursday, they have a routine set; workout, shower, apartment hunt, eat, and fuck.

Hilary’s back is covered in scratches but she definitely isn’t complaining because it’s really fucking hot. Although she does make Bri guarantee that they’re covered before they leave the apartment.

On Thursday, they skip their morning run. Hilary woke up to Bri half on top of her and lips on her neck and a hand under her sports bra and a thigh between hers. With a groan, Hilary flips them and she gets a smirk back in return.

“Good morning,” Hilary mutters, before pressing kissing Bri hard.

“Hi,” whispers Bri.

Hilary can’t help the breathless moan when she starts to feel fingernails digging into the muscles on her back. It’s nothing compared to the noise Bri makes when Hilary slides her hand between them and into Bri’s borrowed shorts and she’s pretty sure she can feel herself getting wet. There’s a hand in her hair tugging sharply at the base of her skull.

“You know,” says Hilary, in between kisses, “if you keep pulling my hair like that, you’re going to make me bald.”

Bri smirks and tugs a little harder and drops her voice again to whisper playfully into Hilary’s ear. “Then stop fucking teasing me.”

She’s silenced with a kiss, and Hilary can feel her lungs expand when she takes a deep breath because Hilary’s just slipped two fingers inside her. With how hard her hair is being pulled, Hilary is positive that she’s going to have a bald patch soon. But the way Bri is clenching around her fingers totally makes it worth it.

“You know we’re going to be late for breakfast right?”

“Yeah but you started this. And you’re definitely going to finish it.”

An hour later, after Hilary has gone down on Bri twice and they’ve had a rushed shower each, they’re running out the door still putting their hair up. Hilary had to run back up three flights because she forgot to lock her front door and by the time she gets back to her car, Bri is yelling at her with her feet up on the dash.

“We’re late! Chuey keeps calling me!” Bri can’t stop grinning the whole way.

“If I remember correctly, you started it!” Hilary says, pushing her aviators up her nose and putting her foot on the gas.

Ten minutes later, they arrive at a dinner on the south side of Boston, spouting bullshit lies about sleeping in. The conversation starts light and when Chuey and Duggs are looking at their menus, Bri has to subtly remind Hilary to adjust her singlet.

“Okay, what gives?” asks Chuey quietly when Bri and Duggs go off to order food.

“What do you mean?”

“The two of you are very chummy.”

Hilary almost snorts, and continues to scan her menu even though she already knows what she’s getting. “We’ve been chummy since College.”

“Bullshit.” Julie looks as if she can see into Hilary’s very soul, so Hilary refuses to meet her eyes because she knows all of her secrets will be revealed. “I can see right through you. Something is going on.”

“And what makes you think that?” Hilary smirks because there is no way in hell she knows anything.

“You mean besides the fact that you’ve taken a week off work to run her all around Boston, let her stay at your place without expecting anything in return, you’re paying for her breakfast, and you’ve got scratches up your back?”

Hilary’s smile falters but doesn’t drop because that would definitely give away the fact that she’s hooking up with a teammate, and Chuey, being the leader that she is, is probably going to kill her because she can’t keep a secret for shit.

_Okay, she knows._

The memories of their morning can’t stop her from smiling, but thankfully her fellow Blades drop back into their seats so their conversation ends.

“What are you guys talking about?” Duggs asked.

“Just telling Chuey about how badly we’re kick their arses this year!” Hilary smirks over her coffee and ruffles Bri’s hair and ignores the hands trying to bat hers away. “We got Decks!”

“Not until January!” Julie protests. “And take your hat off at the table!”

Hilary keeps getting looks over breakfast, but she ignores them. And she definitely ignores that pointed look when they say goodbye and go their separate ways.

Three apartments later and Hilary can’t keep her mouth shut any longer; she’s really bad at keeping secrets. “So I’m pretty sure that Chuey knows that we’re having sex.”

The land lord that is letting them into the fourth apartment actually stops and turns around to look at them. Bri shrugs her shoulders, thumps Hilary hard and leaves her and the landlord in the hallways. Hilary just smiles and slurps her smoothie and follows Bri, shutting the door behind her.

“Thank you.”

“What makes you think she knows?” Bri is checking out the bedrooms down the end of the hall in the modest red brick building downtown.

Hilary is eyeing the open floor plan. She’s a little envious that this place falls into Bri’s price range. “Besides the fact that she pretty much flat out asked me?”

“Seriously?” Bri’s head sticks out of the bathroom. “Side note, I like this one.”

“Yes. And write it down.”

“Would it be so bad if someone knew?”

“Didn’t we kind of imply when we made our agreement that it would stay between us?”

There’s silence. “I think I just picked my room. This is the one. And yes we did. It stays between us.”

“And Chuey.” Hilary follows the voice down the hall and finds Bri leaning against the window sill, waiting for her.

“And your new landlord.”

Bri saunters her way over, steals some of Hilary’s smoothie and kisses her. “So stop telling people. Or you'll never touch this again.”

Hilary kisses her back, a little confused because it wasn’t something that they did unless they were having sex, and watches Bri walk around what could be her new room.

“Have I told you how much I love your arse in those jeans?”

Bri just laughs. “Stop sucking up.”

And then they move on.


	5. The One With Anxiety and Smoothie Stealing

“My mother would kill me if she ever saw me doing this,” says Hilary.

Saturday night finds the two of them eating pizza in Hilary’s bed naked _again_. Bri is sitting against the piled pillows at the foot of the bed, and Hilary is trying not to be turned on. It’s very hard not to be when she already finds Bri attractive and they’ve fucked more times than she has fingers.

“Well, I can’t see you telling her that you ate pizza in your bed after you slept with one of your teammates and friends,” says Bri, through a mouthful of cheese pizza. “So unless she shows up in the next half an hour for a surprise visit, I think you’ll be fine. Can you pass me my beer?”

Hilary reaches for one of the beers on her bedside table and passes it over the pizza to Bri. “How fancy are we?”

“You don’t need much to keep me happy. Pizza and beer tops the list,” Bri smirks.

“And hockey.”

“Yeah, that too.”

Things feel like they’ve started shifting. No relationship? Bullshit. It’s begun to around roll in Hilary’s mind, little things like how they sit on the couch (it’s basically cuddling), and that they’ve shared a shower that was more intimate than when they fuck, and that every morning Hilary wakes up somehow spooning Bri.

Between the two of them, it’s become very easy to have sex and then to fall back into casual conversation. Either their arrangement was perfect, or they might as well be dating.

It’s starting to feel different but she’s trying not to read into it.

Trying, and failing.

And the smile that’s been sitting on Bri’s all afternoon hasn’t been the same one from a few days ago, the excited and please grin that shows she is genuinely enjoying herself and now Hilary is a little worried. Maybe a week of having sex was a bit too much.

“Hey, are you okay?” Hilary watches closely over her beer. “You’ve been a little bit quieter since we found your new apartment the other day.”

Bri is quiet for a few moments. “Just thinking.”

“Oh yeah? Don’t hurt yourself.” Hilary smirks and nudges Bri in the ribs with her foot.

“Funny.” Bri chuckles noncommittedly.

“You know, I try. Come on, what’s up? You can still talk to me even if we are sleeping together, you know that.” It doesn’t take long, but their beer bottles are deposited on the bedside table again and the pizza box is dropped on the floor and then Bri is straddling her lap. “Have I done something wrong?”

“No,” whispers Bri.

Hilary melts into the hands cupping her face and pulls Bri closer. “Are you sure?”

Bri just nods and kisses her until she stops asking questions. "I just don't feel like talking right now."

When they sleep together this time, it doesn’t have the same sparking energy like it did in the shower three days ago, or the frenzied rush it had the first time; they don’t fuck quick and hard. It’s slow, and they take their time and Hilary kisses Bri when she comes and then she falls asleep to a finger tracing the fresh scratches on her shoulder.

-

It’s a little chilly when Hilary wakes up on Bri’s last day in Boston. The mornings are starting to turn.

Looking around and scratching her head, she realises that she’s alone and that it’s way too early to be awake.

She’s also very naked.

By six-oh-five, Hilary has slipped on a hoodie and some shorts and floats out into the hallway.

By six-oh-six, Hilary finds Bri standing by the windows wrapped in the flat sheet from Hilary’s bed and she’s watching the morning freight trains moving on.

Because of their hectic schedule, Hilary hasn’t had much time to really look at Bri, despite the fact that they’ve been having sex nearly every night.

From where she stands, and in the shotty light coming through the one open blind that Bri has opened, Hilary watches for a few minutes. Bri is tense, she can tell; her back is stiff and she looks like she hasn’t moved in a while. It’s the way she doesn’t follow the carriages that Hilary knows she’s stuck in her head; she wonders if it’s about the same things that have been floating in Hilary’s head. She looks vulnerable, scared almost and Hilary thinks that if she moves too loudly, she might actually spook her.

So she moves slowly, quietly but still lets her footsteps brush the floor loud enough so Bri can hear her coming.

Hilary stops right behind Bri, “Morning.”

To her credit, Bri doesn’t even flinch. But she doesn’t say anything either. She simply turns her head to acknowledge Hilary and goes back to staring blankly at the trains.

“You okay?” Bri shakes her head and stays silent. So Hilary grips her hips and turns her around. “No distracting me with sex this time. What’s going on?”

Hilary rests her hand on Bri’s neck, ready to tilt her head back so they can finally have eye contact but Bri beats her to it.

“What if I can’t do it?” she mutters.

Hilary doesn’t even have to ask what she means, because a year ago she felt what Bri is feeling; the anxiety, the self-doubt, the feeling of not being in control and not knowing what to do; the constant questioning about whether or not she can afford certain foods or an extra roll of sports tape because her budget is limited and she still has rent to pay; the exhaustion of trying to make everything look like it’s okay because she doesn’t want other people to worry, especially her parents.

She still gets that feeling sometimes, and she has to spend her day off double checking that all of her bills are paid and that she has all the food she needs and that all of her equipment is in order. The endorsements help but only to a degree. She loves her apartment, but if she had her choice she wouldn’t be living on the outskirts of the city.

“You can,” is Hilary’s simple answer, once Bri is settled against her in a hug.

It’s a little awkward for several reasons. One, Bri is wearing only a sheet so one hand is holding it up while the other is around Hilary’s waist. Two, the week they’ve spent together has been fun and light hearted and very sexual so it’s been a while since they’ve had to provide some emotional support for each other. And three, Hilary kind of doesn’t know what to say to make it better but she knows a joke wouldn’t be a good idea considering how upset Bri looks.

“How do you know that?” She looks like she’s about to start crying.

“Come here,” says Hilary. Bri is lifted from the ground (usually she would be cursing out Hilary and her strength and to a degree her height for being able to do this so easily) and her legs instinctively wrap around Hilary’s waist and she’s seated on top of the back of the couch. “I need you to look at me.”

“What if I can’t do it, Hils?”

"What, look at me?"

"Balance it all! A job, and responsibilities, and hockey. How am I supposed to manage it all? What if I can't do it? Hockey doesn't put food on the table or pay the bills."

“I know. Trust me when I say it sucks. But. If anyone can do this, you can. You’re not alone. You’ve got two flat mates, you already know people on the team, you’ve got me, you understand?”

“How did you do it?” Bri asks. She seems almost desperate.

Hilary’s jaw clenches because she never told anyone how much she really did struggle at first.

“I don't know. I wanted hockey so I guess I did what I had to. The day I got to Boston,” she smiles sadly at the memory, “I spent three hours sitting in my car in the parking lot of some random convenience store on the other side of town, with all of my shit in the back on the phone to my mum crying. Because I had no idea what I was doing. I had plan, but it kind of stopped at the parking lot and I had no idea what do after that point. It took her an hour to get me to stop crying long enough so that we could actually have a conversation.

“My first two months here, I didn’t sleep very well because I was always worried about something. Did I have enough money, or did I need to get a second job? Did I pay my rent on time? Did I pay all of my bills? Did I have gas or food or did I even have enough money to buy some if I needed it? Was all of my hockey gear in good condition or did I need to fork out for a few stick? What if I had to give up hockey because I couldn’t do it? It was all just ‘what if’s’ in my head and it drove me nuts. Literally. I think I had a few full blown panic attacks that I never told anyone about, because everything was meant to be okay.”

“So you just struggled?” Bri’s face held an expression that resembled almost disbelief. "You didn't tell anyone?"

“Nope. Those two months were the hardest time I have ever had, because I was alone in a city of six hundred and fifty thousand people.”

“You know, you’re not painting a very convincing picture.”

Hilary chuckles, and kisses Bri. “My point is, that you’re not alone. You’ve got two flat mates that you know well. You’ve got teammates who all know what you’re going through. You’ve got your family. You’ve got me. If you’re struggling, talk to someone. It doesn’t have to be me, but someone.”

“Yeah,” says Bri.

“Now who’s not sounding convincing?” Hilary asks. “What’s the one thing you want more than anything?”

Bri avoids eye contact and spots one of the seven sticks in the corner. “To play hockey.”

“So play hockey. You don’t have to have to all figured out now, Bri. You will get there,” she says. She kisses Bri again, trying to make an emphasis on her words. “You will be fine. You will be more than fine.”

“Okay.” Bri’s eyes are closed, like she’s trying to soak up all of her positive energy and belief in her that she will manage.

“Okay?” asks Hilary.

“Okay,” Bri whispers back. When she opens her eyes, she continues, “Thank you. For telling me.”

Hilary just grins. “Well I figure we are seeing each other naked on a semi-regular basis, so I may as well spout my deepest, darkest secrets to you.”

“Why not, huh?” Bri laughs along. Her shoulders aren’t as tense anymore but she is trying to balance on the back of the couch.

“And I trust you. Otherwise I wouldn’t have told you.”

“Thank you.” Bri finally makes eye contact and kisses Hilary. “Really.”

They kiss for a few minutes but it doesn’t turn heated despite Bri’s lack of clothes. It’s a level of intimate that sends Hilary’s mind reeling, but she has experience keeping things to herself until she can figure it out. But she doesn’t think it will take too long. She’s gotten good at figuring things out.

“You’re welcome. How about a shower and some breakfast? You smell like sex,” says Hilary, pulling Bri back to the floor and pulling a face.

“You’re so proud of yourself!” exclaims Bri, rolling her eyes and slapping Hilary on the arse on the way through.

“Damn straight I am.” When Bri gets to the end of the hallway, Hilary calls out. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah,” Bri smiles and heads to the bathroom.

And Hilary gets to staring at her kitchen, wondering what the hell she’s going to cook for breakfast.

-

A few hours later and planes are roaring over head as they head into the domestic departure gates at the airport. Hilary’s being all chivalrous and rolling Bri’s bag behind her, and she’s sipping on another smoothie (because damn they are addictive) and adding her piece of commentary every now and then.

It’s her turn to be a little quiet. She won’t admit it, but she’s not looking forward to going home to an empty apartment because if she’s honest, on Monday it will be back to working five days a week and preparing for training and doing those late night workouts to make sure she’s ready (and definitely not to distract her from the silence). Hilary has gotten used to having Bri there, to waking up to her and having to have to share her space with her.

They check Bri in and Hilary watches in silence and slurps at her smoothie and grins innocently when Bri glares at her because Bri hates slurping.

And then they sit to wait.

“You don’t have to wait with me, you know? You already let me run your bills up for a week,” says Bri. She’s developed a habit of stealing Hilary’s food, or in this case smoothies, and Hilary is going to have to keep an eye on her when they go back to camp.

“Yeah I do. I have to make sure you get on that plane safely.” She slaps Bri’s hand when it makes another move for her smoothie. “So when are your friend’s getting here to sign the paperwork?”

“My Knight in shining armour! Sometime this week. I think they’re going to start moving in as soon as possible. They just better not steal my room.” Bri pulls her phone out and sends a playfully threatening message to her friends.

“I’m gonna miss having you here. It’s been fun to hang out,” Hilary smiles and throws her arm around Bri's shoulders.

“Hang out?” Bri raises an eyebrow.

Hilary chuckles. “The other stuff was fun too.”

“Yeah, it’s been pretty cool,” Bri agrees. “But you won’t have to miss me for long, we’ve got camp in August. And November. And I’m pretty sure the stress of my final semester will get to me so, you know, you’re just going to have to come visit to help me out with that.”

She says it with such a straight face that Hilary almost turns giddy. “I think we have a few bye-weeks. I’m sure we can figure something out.”

They fall into silence as Bri’s phone dings or tweets or makes whatever sound it is that an iPhone makes. “If they take my room, they are dead.”

“Hey.” The giddiness wears off a little bit, and Bri looks up. “You know you can _talk_ to me if you do start feeling stressed. Especially about the stuff we talked about this morning.”

Bri forgets her phone and presses a kiss to Hilary’s cheek. “I know. Thank you.” She also steals Hilary’s smoothie again but this time she doesn’t bother fighting for it back.

She’s not going to win.

So Bri finishes her smoothie off and they wait a little longer. They rehash breakfast with Chuey and Duggs and wonder if she actually does know, and they take bets on whether or not anyone else with catch on, like Bri’s roommates. They play rock, paper, scissors, and naughts-and-crosses on Hilary’s phone, and Bri reminds Hilary to change her sheets (‘you mean the one’s we’ve had sex in for the last week?’ ‘and the ones we ate pizza in last night.’) until Bri’s flight is called and Hilary walks her to security.

“Text me when you land?” Hilary asks. She bends down to pick Bri up in a hug; she’s learnt to stop complaining when anyone taller than her picks her up.

“Sure.” Bri squeezes back just as hard and let’s herself be held half a foot off the ground. “Thanks for letting me stay.”

Hilary puts her down gently. “Anytime.”

“I gotta go.”

“I know.” Hilary grins. “You’re supposed to walk through security though.”

Bri kisses her in the middle of the departure lounge. “I had to do that one more time. See ya in August.”

“Yeah, see ya.”

Hilary watches Bri line up and eventually disappear into a crowd that is thickening by the minute and at least five inches taller than her in every direction. When she can’t see her anymore she turns to walk back to her car, preparing to go home to that empty apartment.

Maybe she’ll do a workout tonight.

After she’s washed her sheets.

-

She gets a message when she’s re-making her bed a few hours later.

_Safe and sound xx._


	6. The One Where Bri Can't Keep A Secret

This time they talk a little more regularly until Hilary’s phone goes off at nine am on a Saturday, the morning after she’s had a late night and she’s pretty sure she’s only been asleep for three hours. If she’s lucky.

“Hullo?” she mumbles into her phone, after she grapples with it on her bedside table and finally pulls it free of its charger.

“So, I overheard a very interesting conversation between the freshman this morning at morning skate.”

Hilary has to pull the phone back to look at the caller ID. “Bri. It’s nine am.”

“Oh, I know.”

“Wait, what were you doing at morning skate? You finished.” Hilary is a little confused and a lot sleep deprived.

“Coach lets me get some ice time during morning skate. Keep me fresh for Boston.”

“Right. I knew that.” She knew that. She thinks. Right now, she’s not sure what she does and doesn’t know. But she’s pretty sure that even through squinting, that that is make up smeared on her pillowcase.

“So, again, I overheard a very interesting conversation between the freshman this morning at morning skate.”

Hilary knows she has to follow along or she’s never getting back to sleep. “Oh yeah? About what?”

“They would, and I quote, ‘like to tap that’. I was very confused too, until they mentioned your naked arse on display for the entire world on the front of the Body Issue.”

Hilary grins into her pillow and almost starts laughing. “In your head, were you thinking the entire time ‘been there, currently doing that’?”

There is a spell of silence on the other end. “Pretty much yes. And now I really want to tap that but you’re over eleven hundred miles away.”

“You figured out the distance between Boston and Madison?”

“Of course I did. I wanted to know how far we were travelling for booty calls.” Bri laughs into the phone and Hilary just listens. She loves the sound but she’s tired. "Speaking of, when are you coming to visit?"

“Admit it though. Definitely worth it. But it depends how stressed you get. Now, it’s too early and you’re too perky. I’m going back to sleep.”

“Okay, yeah, it is. Go to sleep. Night, Knight. See you next week!” There’s a giggle and then all she hears is dial tone. Hilary barely has time to return the farewell before Bri is gone.

So after staring at her phone for a few seconds, she intends to drops her head to her makeup stained pillow and aims her phone for her bedside table but misses instead and hears it thump on her hardwood floors.

She groans and goes back to sleep.

-

It was a week later that Hilary finds herself playing buffer between the twins because one is pissed at the other for _something_ but Hilary won’t be able to tell them apart until at least dinner tomorrow but it’s a very good distraction from staring at Bri’s arse as she catches up with Vet on the other side of the room.

They’re in a conference room in a hotel in Chicago waiting for their pre-dinner team meeting to outline their ten day training camp, but all Hilary wants to know is who she’s rooming with and what’s for dinner.

“Hey Knighter,” comes from her left.

When Hilary looks up, Bri is staring at her with an innocent smile; she has to admit, Bri is pretty good at hiding it because Hilary’s pretty sure she’s drooling.

“Hey Decks. What’s up Jess?”

The five of them start talking, and Hilary and Monique fill in the other three about the league; Bri makes comments about watching the games online when she’s supposed to be paying attention to one of her lectures.

“And how is your last semester going?” one of the twins asks. Hilary won’t be able to tell until they’ve got their sweaters on.

Bri looks Hilary straight in the eyes. “It’s been a little stressful. But I’m managing for the moment. It’s only really the start.”

Hilary coughs and can’t quite keep that eye contact; Bri definitely has a hold over her.

She’s so fucked.

Well maybe not on this trip but most definitely soon.

“Sorry, I’m late ladies!” Coach comes striding in and almost instantly, they all take their seats. Bri steps around the end of the aisle and flicks Hilary’s pony tail as she sits down behind them. “Let’s get to it. Alright, welcome back.”

Hilary sits quietly while the rest of the coaching staff walks in and starts handing out training schedules, goalies, defencemen, forwards. At the top of the page is the name of each player’s roommate for the duration of camp.

Amanda Kessel sits cleanly at the top of Hilary’s page. Hilary looks confused for a moment and looks around because she hadn’t seen Kes in months. She’s pretty sure that no one has seen Kes in months. She raises her hand because she’s definitely confused. “Hey Coach?”

“Sorry I’m late,” comes quietly from the back before Hilary can ask. Amanda is walking through the doors at the back of conference room, lugging her hockey bag and her luggage and an armful of hockey sticks.

A chorus came from almost the entire team of “Kes,” and suddenly chairs were almost upended as half of them went to dog pile her. Hilary ended up between Meghan and Kacey and they’re all grinning.

“You’re back!”

“Got cleared a few weeks ago. Got the call from coach two weeks ago,” Amanda is grinning because she’s back, she’s finally back. “You know and then my flight was delayed and my cab driver went the longest way possible. But here I am.”

“Well you’ve got a few records to beat, courtesy of Decker,” says Coach. “I hope you’re up for the challenge. Alright, take your seats. We’ve got some stuff to take care of before dinner.”

An hour later, dinner is a noisy affair in the restaurant on the ground floor. Four tables are full of hockey players and Hilary is still sitting between the twins. She’s been playing on snapchat all night and Kes and Bri automatically gang up on her and her addiction.

“Hey be nice, or I’ll drop your arse on the ice tomorrow.”

“I’m still going to score on you, Knighter,” says Kes. “You can’t deny that. And then I’m going after Bri’s records.”

“Been back for less than two hours, and she’s already shooting her mouth.”

The table is laughing and having a good time, and Hilary has been watching closely all night. There’s a pull to Bri and her body and her laugh. She’s addictive and Hilary doesn’t think that she can stick to their deal so when Bri excuses herself for a bathroom break, she waits a few moments and follows.

They’re alone in the bathroom so Hilary doesn’t hesitate after she double checks, and follows Bri right into a stall.

“Hils, what are you doing?” she asks.

It’s been a while since they’ve been this close and Bri barely has a chance to say anything else because she’s pressed up against the stall door. When Hilary kisses her, Bri can’t help but to smile into kiss and pull herself closer. They’re both still smiling when they pull apart a few minutes later completely breathless.

“We agreed,” Bri whispers.

“I know. But I’m impatient as hell, and you’re so fucking hot.”

“I know but teasing both of us isn’t going to help.” Hilary’s head is leaning against Bri’s temple, and Bri’s eyes are closed, a hand on the back of neck holding her close. “We should go back.”

Hilary nods and presses one last kiss to Bri’s lips, and leaves the stall. “I can’t wait to come visit in Wisconsin.”

Bri smirks and closes the stall door. When she returns to the table, no one notices because they’re all too busy talking to Kes.

No one notices the look that floats between Bri and Hilary.

At least, they don't think they're being obvious.

-

“So what’s been happening? I feel like we haven’t gotten a chance to catch up yet,” Amanda says, settling on her bed and playing with the TV remote, looking for some background noise.

Its three days into camp, and Bri is hanging out in Hilary and Amanda’s room. Bri is currently using the two of them as sounding boards for a paper she has due in two weeks. They finally have the

“Ahh, you know. Same shit, different day,” says Hilary. “Work, hockey.”

“What she said.” Bri is looking at her laptop, trying to read through a journal article she was trying to use as evidence. “School, hockey.”

“Ahh I don’t know, remember. No hockey for almost six months. We haven’t talked in ages. Since the last camp.” Kes matches her sarcastic tone and raises an eyebrow at her friend.

“This is true. Life just got busy.”

“Yeah,” Kes agrees. “So how long have you been sleeping together?”

Hilary stops typing out the email to her mother, touching base and telling her she will be home for Thanksgiving. “What?”

Bri almost drops her computer from her lap from the chair she’s sitting in in the corner of the room. She makes eye contact with Hilary and they both freeze.

So much for playing it cool.

“Don’t play dumb. You heard me.” Amanda is smirking. “I’ve had a while to sit on the sidelines and watch. And when you stop and just look, actually see things, you start to make connections. You two do nothing but stare at each other at every meal. You’re inseparable unless you’re on opposing teams in training.”

“So you’re seeing things?” Hilary laughs and goes back to her email. “You’re insane. I’m not sleeping with her.”

“You’re both avoiding looking at me. I am so right.” Amanda is looking rather smug and Bri hasn’t gone back to writing yet; she’s still looking at Hilary who is avoiding looking at both of them. The silence would be stifling if it weren’t for the Pink Panther playing on the TV.

Hilary is still avoiding eye contact; they agreed. She has to give it to Amanda, she knows how to push buttons even with silence. Bri looks like she’s about to crack. She wasn’t there when Chuey asked if they were hooking up so she didn’t have to pretend like she didn’t hear her.

But now it’s just the three of them in the room and walking out pretty much means admitting it.

“Okay, fine,” says Bri.

“Bri!”

She just goes back to her paper, because unless she admits it, she’s not going to be able to concentrate. “We’re hooking up.”


	7. The One Where Hilary Realises She's Fucked

“I fucking knew it,” says Amanda. She discards the remote at the end of the bed and crosses her legs to give the two of them her full attention.

“What happened to not telling anyone?” Hilary’s laptop and her email to her mother lays forgotten at the end of her bed.

She’s swung her legs over the edge of her bed, and her hands are raised in a questioning manner.

“Okay, one, Kes already knew without us even having to say anything. Two, you pretty much confirmed it for Chuey. And three, you flat out announced it to my landlord that day. Who is she going to tell? Really?”

Alright, Bri has a point. But she never actually said the words ‘I’m fucking Decker’ to Chuey, and it could be taken any which was from Sunday with the landlord.

“She is sitting right here.” Amanda is sitting between them, a proud grin on her face. “And now, I’m just curious.”

“You do not need details about how good she is in the sack,” says Bri, smirking and moving back to her essay.

“Bri!” And then Hilary realises that Bri said she’s good in bed. Both Bri and Amanda raise an eyebrow at her, and then she blushes, _actually blushes_ , and grins. “Okay.”

Bri just smirks and goes back to her homework, and Amanda gets a little antsy. “Yeah, go back to your emails.”

“Well, now I know who wears the pants in this relationship.”

“It’s not a relationship,” Hilary and Bri announce at the same time.

“Well then what _is_ it?”

“Sex.”

“Really good sex.” Hilary’s proud smirk grows. “Easy tiger.”

Hilary laughs and tries not to preen too much; Bri is stroking her ego. It feels a little odd that someone knows and doesn’t care. They’ve gone more than six months of hooking up together without telling anyone; keeping it between them was easy sometimes and harder others, especially when Hilary has scratches up her back.

That pull is back, and she tries not to stare because that’s what got her caught in the first place. Even though Amanda knows, it would give away that it’s more than just a physical attraction to her teammate. They promised to keep it open and honest between them so it didn’t ruin their friendship but Hilary isn’t being very honest.

Hilary has been having some feelings she can’t quite understand; she didn’t want Bri to move the last time she woke up to the blonde, she was too comfortable; there was something about having Bri around all the time in Boston; Hilary’s heart started to beat a little faster when she made Bri laugh.

Maybe she’s got someone to talk to now that they’ve been officially outed to Amanda?

“Okay, I need some details.”

Maybe not. “You do not need details about good I am in bed.”

“I said _some_ details. I don’t need to know how many u-turns you guys do under the sheets.” Amanda grimaced, and Bri and Hilary just laugh. “I need some gossip. I’ve been out of the look too long!”

“She’s putty in my hands,” Bri giggles.

“Ha! That’s not what happened last time.” Hilary is definitely putty in her hands. “If I remember correctly, you were begging…”

“Hey! Hey! I do not beg.”

“Yeah, you do.” Hilary smirks.

Amanda just laughs at them, and their antics. Neither of them are actually paying attention or taking it seriously, but instead are still playing on their laptops. It flows between the two of them without any effort; no wonder they were busted.

“Who started it?” Bri just points and keeps typing one handed; she’s on a roll even with the interruption.

“When?”

“Sochi.” Hilary finally shuts her email, after double checking that she didn’t accidentally write in something that had been said. “After the gold medal game. We were sharing a room, and I punched a wall and then I kissed her and then we had sex.”

“And then it happened a few more times.” Bri gives up on her essay. Her academic roll has ended and she’s written ‘sex’ four times by accident.

“And then it happened every day that you were visited me in Boston. Ahh, good times.”

“The things she can do with her tongue, I swear to God.” Bri isn’t even blushing as she discloses these things. Hilary is grinning and Amanda is giggling. “I have no shame now that I can gush about it.”

“Gush?” said Hilary. “So much for keeping it quiet.”

“You know I’m not quiet. Especially when you do that thing.” Amanda gags playfully. “Besides if I was having sex with a guy, all three of us would be having an in depth conversation about it. And it’s not like we can go to Duggs and brag that at least someone is getting laid.”

“Okay, you do have a point,” Hilary agrees. “But Kes also has to be willing to listen to us gush.”

Bri and Hilary simply look at Kes who is grinning evilly. “Sure, because then I have blackmail.”

-

It’s two days later and Hilary has been fielding questions left, right and centre from Kes once they’re back in their room for the night; Bri has conveniently finished her homework and doesn’t need their help so she’s been avoiding having to answer any questions since she let the cat out of the bag.

She’s not sure how she feels about this. Yeah, its awesome that she can brag she’s getting laid semi-regularly (and it’s really good sex), but then Kes gets this look in her eye and Hilary can just see it being stored in the back of her mind, saving for it when she wants something from either of them.

It definitely didn’t help that Bri fell asleep against Hilary’s side two days ago because they stayed up late.

And that Hilary can’t stop sneaking glances when she doesn’t have to concentrate.

But at the same time, it’s weird, Hilary muses while Amanda is in the shower. The three of them are linesmen and they’re working better than they ever have individually or on other lines. Maybe telling her was a good thing. Maybe Bri is psychic, Hilary thinks. Worlds were just around the corner so if they kept this up, they would be throwing the Olympics back in Canada’s face.

And she would get laid some more.

It was a win win really.

“So I have to ask you something,” says Amanda. She’s walked out of the bathroom wearing a worn Minnesota Hockey t-shirt and shorts, and she’s towelling her hair dry.

“Shoot,” says Hilary. Hilary is pretty sure that after the last two days of questions like ‘how does it work? I mean you’re teammates and friends’ and ‘be honest, how good is the sex?’, and comments like ‘I didn’t want _that_ much detail!’, that she’s prepared for anything that would come out of Amanda’s mouth.

“How long have you been sleeping together?”

“About eight or so months. On and off. Why?” Hilary is absently watching the TV, almost ready to doze off. She loves getting to go to camps because they get to play hockey most of the time, eat good food, and go to sleep early. Bri calls her a nanna, and Hilary says that in a few months when Bri gets to Boston, she will understand.

“It’s not just sex is it?”

Hilary actually freezes. “What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen the way you look at her. That whole ‘it’s just sex’ line is complete bullshit, Hils. You've got feelings for her.”

“It’s just sex.” It’s a poor attempt to brush it off and Hilary knows it.

When Amanda looks at her, she reminds Hilary of Chuey; she’s mastered the stare that means she can look right into her soul and tell if she’s lying.

“Amanda, really. It’s just a hook up. That’s it. No emotions behind it, we agreed,” Hilary is being as blunt as she possibly can.

“Really?”

“Yes. It’s just sex.”

Amanda doesn’t believe her.

She doesn’t believe the words either, as they tumble out of her mouth. But even as her tongue turns to carpet in her mouth, she forces the words out, because otherwise she won’t believe them either.

It’s just sex.

Not anymore. At least, not for Hilary.

She’s fucked, she thinks, as the lightbulb pings inside her head.


	8. The One Where Hilary Is Tired

Hilary wakes up to her bed shaking.

And for a minute she panics because she thinks it’s an earthquake and she fucking hates earthquakes. But it’s not an earthquake.

Just a hockey player.

“Ugh.” Bri is standing on the end of her bed, jumping up and down with a sly grin in a pair of pyjama pants and a Wisconsin sweater. “Decks, you suck. I was having a really good dream.”

“Oh yeah?” she asks. Bri drops to her knees to straddle Hilary over the duvet. “About what?”

Hilary’s lifts an eyebrow, and chances a look at the other dishevelled empty bed. “Where’s Kes?”

“Early breakfast.” Bri settles herself and bites her lip. Her voice drops closer to a whisper the closer she gets. “What was your dream about?”

Hilary pushes herself up to rest on her elbows to meet her half way. “What happened to no funny business at camp?”

“Technically camp finished last night after the team meeting. Now,” says Bri. She leans back and pulls her sweater over her head. “What was your dream about?”

Hilary just stares and grins dopily because Bri isn’t wearing anything under her sweater and now she’s faced with a lot more skin that she was a second ago. “How about you come a little closer and I’ll show you.”

She doesn’t hesitate to reach out and settle her hands on Bri’s hips to pull her closer. With the blonde settled comfortably above her, Hilary only gets to press her lips to Bri’s for a second before the topless forward pulls away.

“I’ve wanted to do this all week.”

“Don’t stop now.”

There’s a hand in her messy hair and one pushing the duvet down past her waist, and Hilary’s digging her fingernails into Bri’s back and one of them moans but neither knows who. It’s a slow stream of kisses and Hilary savours it because who knows when she’ll get to be this close to Bri again. Hilary manages to roll them over in the tangle of the blankets and begins to leave a trail down Bri’s neck.

Since her talk with Kes a few days ago, Hilary has been thinking.

Usually, half the team would give her grief for thinking, Duggs and the twins are usually the worst. But despite her goofiness, she was actually an ‘A’ student in high school and college. So when Hilary reflects on her thinking, it’s not in a bad way or a prank kind of way. She can’t deny it herself (or Kes apparently) but she’s addicted.

She’s addicted to the kisses and the touches and the sounds she elicits from the blonde, to the way her eyes light up at the sight of a rink, the way she laughs when Hilary makes her laugh, the way she threatens to chase Hilary when she gets a water bottle squirted down her back at the beginning of training. Or the way she seems to smile just for her, and how Hilary has started storing those away in the corner of her mind.

There’s a comfort and a feeling of safety when she’s around Bri, and she likes how she feels when the blonde is around, whether they’re having sex or hanging out.

Amanda has teased her all night as they settled in for the night, and kept prodding her with questions. Questions and reluctant answers that have been pushed to the back of her mind for the time being.

She couldn’t think about that right now because there was a hand under her sports bra and then the hotel room door ‘beeped’ and was pushed open.

“Oh my eyes!” Amanda exclaims. Hilary hopes there was no one out in the hall when she yelled that. “Dude, come on! We share a room!”

“She started it,” Hilary giggles.

When she looks up over her shoulder, there’s a coffee cup in Amanda’s left hand while her right is holding her key card and she’s flung her arm over her face. Hilary is kind of glad she’s on top at the moment, to at least save a little bit of Bri’s dignity.

Bri is half laughing, half mortified that they were actually caught, and there’s an arm around her neck holding her in place and a head buried in her collar bone to hide the blush. “Can you turn around please so I can get dressed?” she manages to choke out.

“I was gone for half an hour, if that. How far did you guys- you know what? I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know,” says Amanda. “If you want to keep this a secret don’t start something when you’re sharing a hotel room with someone else.”

Amanda slowly spins around and Hilary reaches for Bri’s sweatshirt and adjusts herself; between Bri and her dream she’s a little turned on. Okay she’s a lot turned on and now she gets to start a miserably warm August day in Chicago with a cold shower.

“You never told me what your dream was about,” Bri comments, smirking in the direction of Amanda when the Gopher groans.

“I’ll tell you about it later,” Hilary chuckles and lets Bri kiss her and follows her out of the room as she throws a ‘later’ over her shoulder. “Maybe show you.”

Amanda glares at her and Hilary laughs, sitting herself up with her legs hanging over the edge. “Oh please, you didn’t even see anything.”

“But I could have!”

Hilary and Bri are still smirking and Kes is still grumbling under her breath an hour later when they see Kes off outside of the lobby, where a taxi is waiting to take her to the airport so she can get back to a late afternoon class.

Three hours after that, they say goodbye with a hug in the departure lounge when Bri’s flight to Wisconsin is called.

-

Hilary throws herself back into training with the Blades, goes to work and sets her eyes on Worlds and the Clarkson Cup. Even though it heads into fall, she needs more than one cold shower to calm her down when she wakes up an hour before her alarm from a very vivid dream involving a certain blonde.

She runs more, and increases her weights, and slaughters herself until she can’t go anymore. Run, rest, repeat.

She wonders if Bri has had any dreams, if there is any kind of cravings similar to Hilary’s own.

It’s only one more week before they have a bye weekend coming up; Montreal will be in Toronto, and Brampton hosts Calgary all weekend, and Digit is letting Boston have the weekend off.

Hilary finally answers that message from Chuey three days later when she gets a series of question marks, and is on her way out the door of a Starbucks near the gym after a heavy weights session. She’s tired and it’s past her nanna bedtime of nine pm on school nights but she knows she won’t sleep; she’s entered her ‘anxiety induced beginning of the season I’m too exhausted to function but I can’t even sleep’ slump. While Hilary hasn’t had a panic attack in just over a year, the familiar feeling of unsettled worry has begun to settle in.

And she hates it.

The tightness in her chest, the inability to get a full breath in and open her lungs fully, the worry constantly in the back of her mind.

It’s like she’s too busy to breathe lately and it’s only been a few weeks since camp in Chicago. Hilary has been declining chances to socialise with her teammates or her work mates or even talk to her manager outside of business hours. People don’t realise that Hilary is an extrovert _and_ an introvert; she goes in small waves of up and down to adapt and get a balance between the two going.

Right now, she’s introverted and she’s suffocating.

_‘I need a break’_ is all that she sends to Bri as she climbs into her car and tries to juggle her phone, keys, wallet and a large, very hot coffee.

_‘From?’_ comes back to her when she’s settled into doing the dishes after a cheap dinner of steak and salad.

_‘Life.’_

Hilary doesn’t even get a reply before her phone is ringing and a photo of Bri flashes across her screen.

“Hey,” she mumbles out.

“Hey. How’s Boston?” Bri asks. She sounds surprisingly awake compared to Hilary but there is a time difference. Hilary is kind of grateful that she doesn’t ask any questions.

“Boston is busy.

“Boston sounds tired.”

“Boston is exhausted. How is Wisconsin?” she asks, checking her blind spot and changing lanes.

“Wisconsin is ready for essays and group projects to be done. Wisconsin is ready to have Boston visit, or at least move to Boston.” There’s the familiar clicking and pushing of a door unlocking and being pushed open. “I’ve been following the schedule, you should come out. Have a break from Boston.”

“You’re not going to ask why I need a break.” It’s more of a comment of than a question.

There’s a sigh and a thud; Hilary is pretty sure Bri just dropped her bag on the floor and collapsed on to her bed. “Hilary do you remember what you told me when I came to Boston?”

“I told you a lot of things. Was it that I make the best omelettes?”

“Ha! No. I make the best omelettes. It was that I could talk to you if I need to talk to someone. You know that goes both ways right?”

Hilary makes a noise that is a half chuckle and a half sigh. “Yeah. I know. I know.”

They don’t move past that.

“You know if you come out, we can go to Joe’s and get tacos. Or go and watch the Badger’s kick Yale’s ass. Have a beer. Do nothing. _Do something_.”

Hilary actually laughs this time. “ _Something_ sounds pretty good. I’ll book a flight. Can I crash on your couch?”

“Well that’s awkward, I don’t have a couch in my apartment. We’ll just have to share my bed.”

“What a shame.”

“Book a flight, Hils. And get some sleep, okay? Maybe don’t set an alarm tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

But Hilary doesn’t really sleep. She doesn’t set an alarm, but it still takes a few hours to fall into a slumber. When she wakes up the next morning, not feeling rested at all, her mind seeming like it has been awake all night, she books her flight to Wisconsin.

-

It’s late on the following Thursday night that she can see the lights of Madison below.

It feels like she’s coming home, knowing that Bri is waiting in the arrivals terminal, ready to give her a place to hide from the world and not have to be Hilary the face of women’s hockey, or Hilary the employee, or Hilary the tenant who needs to pay her bills.

A place where she can just be Hilary.

And maybe sleep.

She didn’t bother checking a bag, she’s only there until Monday morning, so she just adjusts her bag on her shoulder and shuffles out past the baggage claim to where Bri’s message said she would be waiting.

Except Hilary can’t see her anywhere. She hears her first.

“I’m so sorry, my class ran late and then my group ran late because they started world war three over the slide show design.”

Hilary just smiled, the tightness in her chest easing as she wrapped her arms around Bri’s waist and lifted her half a foot off the ground. She takes a little while longer before she loosens her grip. But Bri doesn’t go very far, pulling back just far enough to be able to kiss Hilary softly in hello.

Hilary kisses back and holds Bri close.

“Hi,” she breathes. It’s so gentle and soft that Hilary doesn’t want to move.

“Hi yourself.”

“You look tired,” Bri says, brushing against the bags under Hilary’s eyes. For a second Hilary thinks that all of the anxiety she’s ever felt are written all over her face; she worries and almost fidgets under Bri’s gaze. “Let me take you home.”

Hilary just nods silently and let’s Bri lace their fingers together and steer her towards the parking lot.

It’s not a long drive back to Bri’s apartment. “It’s a shoe box and it’s a mess.”

“You’re letting me crash, it’s not like I’m going to judge.” Hilary pauses as Bri unlocks her door. “Thanks, Bri. I know the first reason we suggested a visit wasn’t for this kind of thing.”

“You need a break. I get that,” Bri says. “You’re one of my best friends. If you need help, I’m here.”

Hilary smiles tiredly, and wanders the apartment. “You weren’t kidding, it is a shoebox.”

Her bed is by the windows and her kitchen is opposite her TV; she doesn’t even have a couch. Hockey gear is piled by the door neatly and her washing bag is overflowing. There’s one door and Hilary guesses that’s the bathroom.

“It serves its purpose.” Her bag is dropped at the foot of Bri’s bed, and Bri settles herself against Hilary. “Do you want to sleep?”

Hilary just shakes her head and brushes some hair from Bri’s face; she’s tired but she know it won’t be a good sleep.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Hilary smiles at the déjà vu and shakes her head again.

“What do you want, Hils?”

Hilary stares at Bri and contemplates her options. She kisses her friend and lets herself get sucked in by the brown eyes and the hands under her hoodie, scratching the skin over her ribs.

“You.”


	9. The One Where Hilary Gets To Be Hilary Again

It’s Minnesota all over again except the roles are reversed; one of them isn’t themselves and the other is helping them fill the void.

She flips their position and Bri is pressed high into the wall, strong hips holding her in place and Hilary’s nose nudging her to the side to suck the skin below her ear. An arm around her shoulders holds her close, and blunt nails scratch the back of Hilary’s neck, and hips buck at the pressure.

Neither of them notice the noise Hilary’s snapback makes when it hits the floor, only hearing their own heavy breaths and the long moan from Bri. Breaking their kiss only to strip her of her Wisconsin Hockey sweater, Hilary walks them back to Bri’s unmade bed and relishing in the feeling of warm skin under her hands.

“God, Bri.”

She stares for a moment, at Bri in her sports bra, raised up on her elbows and biting her lip in anticipation, and the definition of her stomach, and the fire in her eyes. She wants to make her beg, to crave and want the release, to have control over _something_ and be able to _feel_.

Hilary wriggles out of her hoodie and her t-shirt all at once and crawls onto the bed to hover above. There are hands on her back and Hilary knows that she’s going to wake up to fresh scratches and she lets herself sink onto the body beneath, her head burying back into Bri’s neck and beginning to make her way down.

She doesn’t get far, but fingernails are already digging deep when she rolls them over and bucks her hips and sits to hold Bri in her lap.

“What are you waiting for?” Bri asks, her breath hot on Hilary’s lips. She gulps and hesitates for a moment; Hilary feels vulnerable. “Relax. I’ve got you, Hils.”

They nod together in agreement and Bri pulls Hilary’s hair loose as they kiss, and Hilary stops trying to fight for control over _everything_ and just gives in. With slight difficulty, Bri’s sports bra is removed with a giggle that turns into another moan as Hilary pops the button of her jeans and slides the zipper down, and her mouth is hot on Bri’s skin.

Hilary raises her arms, and then her hips and lets her sweatpants be pulled off; Bri literally throws them over her shoulder and pulls her own off.

“Fuck. God Bri.”

Bri is kissing her way down Hilary’s heaving chest, and she’s starting to throb uncomfortably. She rolls her hips looking for friction. Bri pins her into the mattress and they start to move against each other teasingly.

“Oh shit,” she gasps, gripping blonde hair before she grips the blonde’s hips.

Hilary rocks Bri into her thigh, thoroughly enjoying the wet heat against her skin and the groan she elicits. The pressure keeps building for Hilary as Bri grinds against her from above, and she’s pretty sure she could either take all night at the pace, or not very long at all once Bri actually touches her. Her skin is on fire simply from rocking against each other, and started to lose track of time when she pulled Bri’s sweater off.

“Hilary,” Bri moans. “Fuck. Please.”

She loves it when Bri begs, even though she will never admit to doing it, when she gives in and lets Hilary take over. Hilary isn’t in the mood for games, or a quick hard fuck like they’ve done before; she wants to take her time more, explore the skin beneath her hands, make Bri shake with want and break when she’s pushed over the edge.

Hilary rolls them back over and rolls her hips and buries her face into Bri’s neck again, biting at the skin there, settling her knees into the mattress and finally getting some frictions against Bri’s thigh to ease the heavy throb. “Please what?”

“Touch me.” Bri is trying to arch into Hilary but can’t quite because she’s pinned again. “Please, Hilary.”

So Hilary does just that, palming a breast and rocking her own hips slowly, scratching lightly across Bri’s stomach and further down. “You’re so wet.” Hilary slides a finger into Bri easily, relishing in the feeling of muscles contracting for more pressure and Bri trying to arch and buck her hips.

Her back burns and she’s sure that she’s missing a few lines of skin when she adds a finger and speeds up her pace. But only just. Hilary can tell by the noises that she’s making that Bri is getting frustrated, and Hilary grins and goes a little faster.

But it’s not fast enough because Bri manages to flip her to have some more freedom in fucking herself on Hilary’s fingers. She doesn’t waste much time and slides her own hand between them, knocking Hilary’s arm and her rhythm off.

“Oh,” Hilary breathes, her whole body pausing when Bri pushes up into her.

They move together, arms burning from the awkward angles and hips rocking, breathing heavily, melting into the other as they edge towards a release. Hilary isn’t sure how long they last like this, it feels like hours, but only minutes and all at once.

Hilary lets out an exasperated warning. “I’m close.”

“I can tell. Me too.” They rock a little more, forcing their arms to keep going. Bri breaks first, hips still rolling trying to ride the feeling, eyes shut tight and her breath shaky and her arm jerky. “Fuck.

When Hilary lets go, most of the shock has worn off for Bri, who rocks her hips to help her hand go a little harder, deeper. Bri swallows the erratic breathing with a kiss and pushes her a little further until she’s twitching beneath the forward.

When they remove their hands, there’s the familiar sudden emptiness. But the weight on top of her, doesn’t make Hilary mind all too much.

“Fuck.”

Bri kisses her again. Her eyes are getting heavy, and she’s being pulled into Bri’s side, sheets covering her naked and flushed skin. Her heart is beating as she tried to control her breathing, and a hand is playing with her hair, lips kissing her forehead.

“Sleep, Hils. I’ve got you.”

-

“Shit!”

Hilary wakes up the next morning to the bed being jostled and Bri swearing, and flinging drawers open for some clothes. Hilary is still naked, lying on her stomach with the sheets pooled around her waist; she hadn’t dreamt at all, and was ready to go back to sleep, or maybe for Bri to stay naked and join her.

She props herself up and looks over her shoulder at the sight of Bri in a slight panic, trying to gather her laptop and notes in a hurry and tip them into her backpack, sneakers not even tied properly.

“What’s going on?” Hilary mumbles. Blearily, she wonders if she should be panicking too.

“My alarm didn’t go off. I’m late for class.” Hilary just starts laughing into her pillow, as she collapses back onto her front. Bri is halfway to the door before she turns around and sprints back to Hilary. She kisses Hilary softly, which is complete contrast to her mood a second ago. “Go back to sleep. I’ll be back in a few hours. And help yourself to anything.”

Bri kisses her again, kisses the marks on the back of her shoulder, grabs an apple from the fridge and is gone before Hilary can really process anything.

She checks her phone. It’s only eight twenty-five, but this her weekend off. Hilary pulls the sheets further up and curls into Bri’s pillows to sleep a little more.

And she actually sleeps.

-

It’s a car honking outside that wakes her again. The light is coming through the windows above the bed, and she’s still very much naked. She is also very, very relaxed.

This time, Hilary is stretched out on her back, buried beneath the sheets and into the pillows.

She lifts her head to take in Bri’s apartment in the mid-morning sun. Hilary can see her sweats hanging haphazardly off of a kitchen chair, and her snapback lying on the floor in the kitchen. There are photos littering the pale cream walls, the occasional news clipping, and hockey gear piled in the corner. There is Badger’s red everywhere.

It’s cluttered and messy, yet tidy and organised.

It’s Bri all over.

Hilary holds the sheet across her chest as she sits up, legs crossed and rubs her eyes. There’s a hair tie on the bedside table that she steals, and she drags her hair out of her face. There’s a popping in her back when she’s stretches and a yawn escapes her, and Hilary realises that she actually feels rested.

With one more yawn and the tightening of the sheet covering her naked body, Hilary manages to free herself and wakes herself up a little more while looking for some clothes. Once she is settled in her sweats and a singlet, she looks back at the bed and realises just how much of a mess they made (in her defence, it was messy before she got there).

So Hilary sets out to make the bed; she’s never worked well with an unmade bed, something her mother had drilled into her since she was little. The flat sheet takes the longest because it _has to be even_ , but once the duvet and the pillows are straight, Hilary seeks out something edible in the kitchen.

It’s after a slice of toast that Hilary attempts to centre herself, letting her eyes slide shut and tries to take in the feeling of her breaths in and out, of the tingly feeling in each muscle when she focusses all of her energy on each one, the sounds of the cars outside and the occasional conversation, the smell of Bri’s sheets and the texture beneath her fingers.

The sound of Bri jamming her keys into the door, the tumblers turning over and the door swinging open.

“Awww, you’re not naked anymore,” Bri smirks, pretending to be disappointed, shutting the door behind her and setting her bag on the chair covered in Hilary’s sweats.

Hilary cracks an eye and smiles back. “I just woke up about twenty minutes ago.”

“Seriously?”

“I was tired,” Hilary shrugs.

Bri kicks off her shoes and mirrors Hilary on the bed. “Do you feel any better?”

“A little,” says Hilary. Bri’s hands have settled on her thighs.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bri is watching her, waiting patiently for her to say yes or no, ready to listen if she says yes.

The weight feels a little lighter, she can breathe a little deeper. “I get a little anxious at the start of the season, I have to remember how to juggle work and the games and the training and all the other responsibilities.”

Bri just nods, and drops her gaze to her hands, fiddling with Bri’s.

“I don’t know. It’s like I struggle to be me, because I have to be so many different people. I forget who I am.”

There’s a beat of silence, before Bri speaks up. “I know who you are.”

“Oh yeah?”

“You,” she starts, with a bit of a chuckle, “are the biggest goofball I have ever known. You’re a beautiful human being. You’re also the person who puts cups of water under my helmet and peanut butter in the twins shoes. You have this oh-see-dee thing about beds being made. But you’re also the person who will give everything you have to those around you and the sport that you love. You’re Hilary Knight, ridiculously gorgeous human being. You’re human, and you’re doing the best you can. That is more than enough.”

Hilary is smiling a little bigger now, because she can see the shine in Bri’s eyes when she talks. She breathes in, opening her lungs as deep as she can, pushing past her diaphragm and into her stomach. “Thank you. For giving me somewhere to hide from the world. For being you. And for knowing who I am.”

“Anytime, Knighter.”

Hilary kisses her before she gets up and pulls out her laptop to charge. “How was class?”

“It was great!” Bri answers sarcastically. “I caught so much flack because of you!”

“Hang on, we were having a deep and meaningful conversation a second ago. What did I do?”

Bri pulls the hood of Hilary’s hoodie away from her neck to show her, only just realising that she had thrown it on this morning without even thinking. “You marked me. This hickey! It is like the size of….something…..really big, okay!”

Hilary laughs. “Something really big? That’s the best you’ve got to describe that Pluto sized hickey on your neck? We have to work on your wit before Boston.”

And then Bri laughs.

And then they laugh together and they can’t stop, so they don’t.

And then Hilary watches Bri smiling and starting to shuffle around the kitchen, tidying up imaginary messes, and ignores the tug she feels in her somewhere above her stomach and to the left of her gall bladder.

Hilary ignores it completely when Bri starts talking about a Fall Festival that’s on all weekend by the State Capitol building, and how the Badgers is playing Akron so they should go watch a football game because, hey Badger pride!

Bri wants tacos from Joe’s tonight, but for now they should Netflix and chill and after a shower, Hilary can just be Hilary.

Hilary who is falling in love with Brianna Decker.


	10. The One Where It Starts To Change

Hilary has a brand new Wisconsin Hockey hoodie on that she bought on the way to Joe’s because Bri has flat out refused to hand over her other one. The September wind has begun to pick up in Madison as fall sets in and winter is on the way.

“I can’t believe you made me buy another hoodie.”

“Yours is too comfy, I am not giving it back.” Bri simply smirked as Hilary handed over the sixty dollars to the cashier.

Bri is tucked under her arm as they walk the seven blocks towards campus because even though they’re both dressed warm, the Madison wind can cut through anything. The blonde’s shoulders are set, and her hands are shoved into Hilary’s-no, her warm, worn Badger’s Hockey hoodie. They have to actually be mindful about where their hands sit, and a little bit about how they interact because even though Bri is no longer on the hockey team and Hilary graduated almost two years ago, they still get recognised three times by the time they reach their dinner destination.

“Warm beer and shitty tacos; the epitome of my college experience,” says Hilary, grinning up at the familiar menu board and rubbing her hands together.

“That’s every Badger’s college experience,” Bri laughs. “How many times have you had everything on the board?”

“At least twice. Duggs dared me once in sophomore year to eat everything on there at least once. I’m pretty sure I got food poisoning about three times.”

Bri shakes her head and orders her traditional taco and a semi cold beer; Hilary sticks with the safe bet and follows suit, and then follows Bri to the back booths.

Wisconsin is playing North Carolina on the TV’s, and Hilary makes pointless conversations about how much homework Bri has this weekend.

“I have a team meeting tomorrow for about an hour and a little bit of reading, but other than that, I am yours until Tuesday morning.”

“World War Three again, over the design?” Hilary asks around a mouth full of beer.

“Yep.”

Hilary watches silently at Bri’s mannerisms as they dig into their meals, wondering what it is that is drawing her to the blonde. Her phone makes an appearance for the obligatory snapchat update that conveniently has Bri with an overestimated bite of taco, and a look of death. Halfway through dinner, she knows that Amanda has seen it, because her phone buzzes in the back pocket of her jeans.

_‘Weekend getaway? ;)’_

_‘Something like that,’_ Hilary answers, reaching over the table to show Bri. It feels obscenely normal. Like they’re _dating_.

They sit in silence a little longer, enjoying the nostalgia, their dinner and the soccer match. Hilary is only recognised once more and asked for a photo; Bri looks on proudly as Hilary adjusts her snapback and smiles.

Hilary is a little hyped up on the walk home and bounces happily alongside Bri, their stomachs full and their heads in a slight fuzz; it’s gotten colder in the hour they spent in Joe’s and once Hilary stops bouncing, she wraps an arm around Bri like before and keeps going.

-

“How are you feeling?” Bri asks, as she comes out of the bathroom, yawning and ready for bed, but reaching for a textbook and a highlighter regardless.

Hilary smiles and readjusts herself in bed, slipping her hoodie off and tossing it to the end of the bed. “Just a little tired. But okay.”

“Good.” Bri settles herself in next to Hilary (on the right side of the bed because Hilary sleeps on the left and already claimed it) and she’s struck with the déjà vu from dinner of the normalcy of the situation.

“What about you? You seemed a little tense earlier.”

“I’m fine.” Hilary presses her with raises eyebrows. “I’m fine, just keeping mental tabs on things; homework, group work, exam prep, job hunting. Booty calls.”

She adds a wink, and watches Hilary snort.

“Since when do you wear glasses?” Hilary asks, looking up from playing on her phone and answering those few more cheeky messages from Amanda.

“Ahhh, almost two years. They’re just reading glasses. My eyes get tired trying to focus when I read.” Bri shrugs her off and opens her book to chapter six, definitely not ready to read about community program development and leadership skills. “What?”

“Nothing.” Hilary lets herself stare. Bri is biting her lip in concentration, her tongue poking out just a bit, the same way she does when she’s focussing on the ice. “How much do you have to read?”

“Just a chapter. Why?”

“Cause you in glasses is really hot,” Hilary smirks.

“Knighter, do you have a thing for chicks in glasses?” Bri just laughs smacks her on her duvet covered leg.

“Just the hot ones,” she says, making a show of having dirty images floating through her mind.

“Keep in your pants, I have to study.”

“I’m not wearing any pants.” Hilary moves down the bed, shuffling under the covers. She makes a passable puppy dog eyes and Bri laughs at her.

“Me either,” Bri says. She leans forward and kisses Hilary. “But I still have to study.”

“Okay.”

“Go to sleep.”

“Okay.”

Hilary shuffles a little further and rolls onto her side, dragging a hand up Bri’s pant-less thigh, only stopping high on her leg when Bri clears her throat. She huffs a laugh and settles into her pillow, but leaves her hand where it is.

It takes Hilary a little while to fall asleep; just as she reaches the edge of drifting off, Bri turns the page and puts a hold on that dreamless sleep. Hilary loses track of how many pages Bri has read, and when she feels the bed move, her eyes stay shut. The light behind her eyelids goes dark, her hand moves when Bri does and ends up somewhere on her ribs

“Asleep?” Bri whispers.

“Nope,” Hilary mutters, and lets herself be rolled over and pressed into the mattress.

-

Hilary wakes up on Saturday morning without an alarm and without the noise of Bri rushing because she’s late for class. There’s the occasional car trundling down the street, and too many bike bells going off for her liking. It brings her back to being a Badger, when it was all easier. She’s on her back, able to feel the weight against her side and hair tickling the skin of her arm, and the warmth beneath her fingers. Her eyes are a little bit tired, but she’s so comfy. Maybe she can just go back to sleep for a bit longer; it’s easier to breathe with Bri pressed against her, and she doesn’t think anything except for hockey has ever made more sense.

It doesn’t make any kind of sense to Hilary at all, but it does at the same time and she struggles to wrap her mind around the contradiction. Should she say anything?

When Hilary finally opens her eyes and looks down, Bri is staring sleepily back at her, like she had only just woken up as well.

The hand on her stomach moves, so lightly that she can feel the slight callous on her palm, and Bri’s head buries a little further into Hilary’s shoulder.

“Hi,” Bri whispers.

“Hey yourself.”

Hilary is met with a brief good morning kiss, tasting the remnants of peppermint toothpaste from the previous night, before Bri goes back to using her as a pillow.

Should she say _something?_ Bri beats her too it, cutting her thoughts off mid question. “This is nice.”

They stay still and quiet; the only time either of them move is when Hilary checks the time when Bri asks so she knows how long she has left before she absolutely _has_ to get out of bed. The lazy Saturday morning isn’t helping the scenario’s Hilary is running in her mind of this being a regular thing, of Bri staying over and not just for sex even though that’s a pretty good part of their friendship, of coming home to Bri, and actual dinner dates. She sees herself being able to hold Bri’s hand in public, kiss her if she wanted, just because she could.

And it seems like Bri is having the same thoughts, especially when she raises herself on her elbow to make eye contact with Hilary, rather than let her put holes through her ceiling.

“Does this feel different to you?”

“We’re sleeping together.”

“Yes we are. But it doesn’t feel like just sex anymore Hils.” Bri has gone a little quiet, playing with Hilary’s necklace.

Hilary’s heart starts beating hard in her chest and she briefly wonders if Bri can feel it hammering in there under her sternum. “We made a deal that was no feelings. Plain and simple sex, anything else and we stop. Do you want to stop?”

Bri isn’t stupid, and they both know that Hilary is giving her an out, a way to put the brakes on before words come out and then they can’t take it back. Hilary half wants her to say yes, that they should stop, but the other half is downright praying that she says no; it means that maybe her feelings aren’t one sided, maybe Bri is starting to feel something similar, familiar to Hilary, especially after almost ten months of screwing.

Much to Hilary’s delight and fear, Bri shakes her head. “I don’t want it to stop, but it doesn’t feel like just sex anymore. We made a deal and now I’m kind of flaking on that. Is that selfish?”

Bri genuinely looks worried, a little anxious.

“No.” Hilary reaches across to pull Bri closer, kissing her gently and trying to convey that she understands what she’s trying to say. “It’s not selfish if I can see it too.”

Bri shifts her hips and settles over Hilary, her elbows level with her chin, and with hands firmly on her hips, she leans down and kisses Hilary. She isn’t complaining, but that shift they were just talking about, shows through, in what turns into a make out session and nothing more.

Twenty minutes later, when Bri is running around trying to get her stuff together for her team meeting and get dressed, Hilary pipes up from the kitchen, “Are you always late for school related things, or is it just because I’m here?”

“You are very distracting,” Bri pokes her tongue out and shrugs on her new, worn hoodie again.

Hilary holds out an apple and a coffee, and pleasantly receives a kiss in return before Bri throws over her shoulder that she’ll be back in an hour and a half and then they can do whatever, maybe check out that festival.

As soon as she’s gone, Hilary scrambles for her phone. And then realises that Amanda is probably sleeping. So she breathes and sends a message anyways.

_‘I think it all just changed?’_ Hilary bites her nails and waits for an answer.

She doesn’t have to wait long; she’s been watching the message she sent, waiting for the little ‘delivered’ beneath her message to change to ‘read: 10:14am’. _‘Why are you asking me?? You should know, you’re there. Changed how?’_

_‘It doesn’t feel like just sex.’_

_‘I’m not even involved in this friends with benefits thing you guys are doing but I could have told you that. Actually I did tell you that.’_

Hilary can see Amanda on the other end, all the way in Minnesota, cackling because she was right. _‘Now is not the time for ‘I told you so’s’ Kes. She’s the one that started the conversation. She’s the one that said it doesn’t feel like sex, but she doesn’t want it to stop.’_

_‘Okay? You’re saying this like it’s a bad thing. Aren’t you in love with her?? The two of you are practically domesticated already.’_

Hilary actually stops. She wonders how obvious she might have been in the last ten months, or at least since she started falling for one of her best friends, if anyone else besides Kes knows.

_‘Yeah, but what if she says that now and then doesn’t think she can date a woman?’_ What if she doesn’t think she can date me, Hilary thinks.

_‘No ‘what-ifs’. You know that drives you crazy. And who said anything about dating?’_

Amanda is right. _I have to ask her don’t I?’_

_‘Yes. But just remember we have four nations in November!’_

_‘What if I ruin it?’_

_‘What happened to no more ‘what ifs? Talk to her.’_

_‘But what if I ruin it?’_

_‘Talk to her. And stop asking ‘what ifs’! Just breathe because even from here I can see you starting to freak. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.’_

_‘Thank you Oprah!’_

_‘Leave Oprah out of this! Just talk to her, Hils.’_

Hilary feels like Amanda deliberately left off the ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’ But even with the silent question hanging there, she knows Amanda has a point. She needs one, breathe, and two, talk to Bri, especially considering how it was left this morning. She checks the time and realises that she still has an hour left at least, decides she can only focus one thing at a time so she makes the bed but avoids the coffee until after she’s settled herself.

It takes a little longer than she would have liked, to fully check in with herself, to stop imagining dates and remind herself that at this point they are still just having sex. Sure, words were said that could suggest something, anything, but nothing was confirmed. She stretches her back and crosses her legs, right in the middle of the bed, tries to get comfy and starts.

Hilary is so stuck in her routine, focussing on each part of her body, that she doesn’t actually hear those few cars, or the now rarer bike bell floating down the street, or Bri letting herself back into the apartment. When she does this, she almost relishes in it, to be able to recharge, and find herself in the world and her mind.

Bri is simply pottering quietly, waiting patiently. And when Hilary opens her eyes, she realises that she’s being watched.

She blushes.

“How long have you been there?” she asks.

“Only a few minutes. You didn’t even flinch when I came in.” Bri just smiles. “I’ve only seen you do that when you’re worried about something. You alright?”

Hilary nods, just as her stomach growls and Bri laughs at her. She still hasn’t eaten. “Just reminding myself that I can’t control everything.”

“Okay. Want to go eat?”

“Yes!” Hilary jumps off the bed and starts looking for her shoes.

They actually take Bri’s car this time, and in their matching hoodies, Bri takes her hand to lace their fingers together as she drives.

Hilary just smiles and squeezes back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what the weather is like in Wisconsin in September, I'm from Australia. So a lot of references to locations and seasons is guess work and Wikipedia.


	11. The One Where They Talk It Out

“Madison knows how to do a festival, that’s for sure.”

Hilary has her hands jammed in her pockets to stop her from reaching out as she agrees with Bri. “We should to go to one in Boston in the summer. There’s heaps of farmers markets right in the city centre too.”

They’ve both been quiet, a little nervous, a little too in their own minds since they got out of the car, four blocks from Capitol Square, and walked in with the rest of the crowd. Other than the occasional comment about the stalls and the size of the crowd and that it’s warmer than Hilary was expecting so she had to tie her hoodie off at her hips, not a lot has been said.

She also reminds Bri to stay close because she’s so short and Hilary doesn’t want to lose her.

She gets shoved playfully, but then they go quiet again.

Hilary wants to give in and pull her closer, lean that little bit closer and kiss her even. But she can’t. They’re in a state of limbo, and that conversation they started earlier was cut short in favour of a make out session.

It isn’t until Bri is crowded in close because the line for coffee is huge, and looking up at Hilary with a smile, that the lull in conversation is broken. Bri stands up on her toes to talk over the noise, and a hand settles on her hip to steady her when she tips forward a little too far.

“What did you mean before?”

“HILARY!” comes from the van and two coffees land on the counter. Hilary squeezes Bri’s hip and the hands drop from her biceps when she shuffles through to grab their drinks, and deliberately doesn’t answer the question just yet.

Instead, she offers Bri her latte with light milk and takes a chance by taking her hand in silence.

There are pockets of noise, families with children, other college students, couples, as they manoeuvre through the crowd, Hilary holding on tightly to the fingers between hers, trying to find a quiet spot.

In a corner by the grass, there’s an empty park bench, just vacated; this conversation is going to be best had seated.

She keeps her hands to herself when she sits down, playing with the lid of her cup. “What did I mean about what?”

“This morning, you said it’s not selfish if you can see it too. What did you mean?”

Hilary smiles, lifting her gaze. “Answer me this first: how are you flaking on our deal?”

“Answering a question with a question?” They sit in silence, watching each other. Bri is thinking carefully, choosing her words before she speaks. “It hasn’t felt like sex with you is separate from everything else we do for a while. When we made our deal, we agreed that it can’t interfere with hockey or our friendship; it was some tension relief among other things. We said that we didn’t want to lose each other, or impact how we play. We’ve stuck to it with hockey, but it-“

“-It’s not just sex anymore.”

“Yeah.” Bri looks down at her latte, takes a sip. “What did you mean?”

“It’s not just sex to me either.” Hilary sighs. “Don’t hate me for this. The last thing I want is to lose you, in any way.”

“You’re not going to lose me. Talk to me, Hils.” Bri shifts close enough so that their thighs touch.

“Talking to you is the best part of my day. Even though we live eleven hundred miles apart. Before I came here, I was having trouble breathing like I used to when I was heading into a panic attack. I don’t get that with you. I woke up this morning, and I didn’t want to move. It felt perfect laying there with you, getting to wake up next to you, getting to fall asleep next to you.” Hilary pauses and looks up. Bri is watching patiently, and Hilary can’t quite breathe properly. “I don’t want it to be _just sex_ anymore, although that is a definite benefit. I’m falling for you. I want to be able to hold your hand, or kiss you just because. I want to take you on a date. I want it all. And I want it with you. But if you say stop, if you don’t want to do this anymore, and you want to go back to being friends without the benefits we just forget-”

Bri interrupts Hilary’s rambling with a well-timed kiss, right there in the middle of Capitol Square, a hand on her neck and the metallic rim of sunglasses digging into her cheek. It takes a moment for Hilary to register that she’s being kissed in public, and that she should probably kiss Bri back before she gets the wrong impression.

“No forgetting,” Bri mumbles, when they break apart a few moments later. Hilary’s snapback is about to fall off her head, and she’s snaked an arm around Bri’s back. “I don’t want to stop, and I don’t want to forget. I want this too.”

“What?”

“You. I want you. You, and the dates, and the hand holding, the kissing, the sleepovers.”

“You do?” Hilary asks quietly.

Bri nods and kisses her again. “Kes says that we’re pretty much an old married couple already.”

“She told me we’re domesticated.”

“We are. We so are,” Bri concedes, starts laughing and Hilary can’t help but dissolve into giggles as well.

“What are we going to tell the team?” Hilary asks, still chuckling. Amanda is going to give them so much crap.

“Too soon, babe. Worry about that later. Right now, we are in Wisconsin and they are not, so I don’t care.” Hilary is staring, grinning stupidly at Bri. “What?”

“You called me babe.”

“Get used to it,” says Bri. She presses a kiss to Hilary’s cheek and shifts even closer, letting Hilary’s arm settle around her shoulders to enjoy the sunshine a little longer.

-

“Do you want to go on a date tomorrow?” Hilary asks.

They hadn’t spent much longer at the festival (Hilary dragged Bri to the stage and made her dance along to some of the music, and they stopped to eat some grilled sandwiches for lunch, and Hilary refused to let her fingers untangle from Bri’s for any longer than necessary), and then Bri mentioned that she needed to go to the store before they headed back.

Bri let Hilary push the cart and someone’s snapchat account may or may have not made an appearance during their shopping adventures, which definitely did not capture Bri kissing Hilary at least once in every aisle.

Bri grunts at the stubborn lock, finally jamming her key into her front door to let them in. It isn’t until the shopping has been unceremoniously dumped on the table, and Hilary has kicked the door shut that she answers.

“Tomorrow?” Bri has started pulling groceries out of the bags, to separate dinner from everything else that has to go away. “Don’t put that there, I can’t reach that.”

Hilary smirks. “Yeah, after our workout.”

“The first date?”

“Yep. We have to at least have one date before I leave, because I have no idea when we are going to get to again,” Hilary leans against the counter, shoulders slumped, and her bottom lip jutted out.

“Okay,” Bri agrees, “I’ll go on a date with you, just no more puppy dog eyes.”

Hilary fist bumps and does a victory dance. Bri laughs at her at chanting. “I’ve got a date with a hot blonde.”

“Reminder, you’ve seen this hot blonde naked already, now help me with dinner. You got the veggies.”

“Why the veggies?” Hilary doesn’t complain, but simply takes the chopping board with a teasing smile and turns to the sink to wash the carrots.

“Because you burn the chicken half the time.”

Mid-way through their bantering over whether or not Hilary does actually burn the chicken, they pause with the same thought. “We are the old married couple.”

-

Hilary falls asleep, excited for their date, using Bri as a pillow and her head buried in Bri’s neck while she takes selfies and pokes her tongue out at Hilary.

There’s an arm around her back, and ‘this is nice’ doesn’t even cover how comfortable, and safe, and at ease she feels; there is no need for control because she can just be.

She can just be Hilary. Hilary who plays hockey, and Hilary who has definitely fallen in love with Bri.

She sleeps but doesn’t dream, doesn’t wake up three times or before a socially acceptable time for a Sunday.

It’s a bit of a haze that she’s in, but a good one.


	12. The One Where Hilary Gets Nervous and They Go On A Date

Hilary is nervous.

Not panic attack level nervous.

Or even ‘it’s-the-gold-medal-championship-on-the-line’ nervous.

It’s an excited nervousness that wakes her up before Bri does; it’s still early, but it’s not a ridiculous time, judging by the poor light coming in through the windows, and by the time on her phone.

She kind of can’t wait for their date later, hoping that she doesn’t screw it up. It’s easy around Bri, but they’ve put a label on their afternoon activities and Hilary can’t lie, that it’s been a while since she’s been on a date. She’s just been too busy (and a little distracted by the after-hours activities she and Bri got up too).

Hilary tries not to shift too much as she grows restless, trying to take in the quiet by rolling onto her back to look at the roof, and let Bri sleep a little longer before she gets impatient and _has_ to wake her up.

She almost starts laughing when she starts mumbling in her sleep.

Hilary is playing the big spoon, her arm under Bri’s neck, and somehow she isn’t wearing pants and Bri’s t-shirt is gone, even though she’s pretty sure she was wearing them when they went to bed the night before.

They had discovered that they two of them in the same bed and wearing clothes resulted in Bri’s bed turning into an oven; Hilary lifts her head and can see the sleeve of Bri’s shirt hanging off the edge of the duvet.

Hilary is a little unsure about how long she stares at the sleepy untidiness of Bri’s blonde hair, and the littering of freckles across the skin of her shoulders. But when the body in front of her shuffles backwards, seeking the comfort, she can’t help it to pull her even closer with the arm around her waist.

There’s a wake up breath and a sigh from Bri, Hilary presses a few kisses to the spot right behind Bri’s ear. A hand squeezes at her forearm and she buries her head.

“Good morning,” she mumbles.

Bri reaches behind her, her hand coming to rest in Hilary’s hair and holding her close. “Morning.”

“You talk in your sleep,” chuckles Hilary.

Her eyes still riddled with dreams, Bri turns over quickly to dispute it. “No, I don’t.”

“You do.” Hilary is on her back because Bri moved so fast, looking up at her date with a grin. “It’s really cute.”

“I don’t talk in my sleep.”

“Mmhmm.” Hilary just agrees, smiling gently and reaching from where her arm is still under Bri to brush some hair out of Bri’s furrowed brow.

Bri tucks herself into Hilary’s side, disagreeing that she talks in her sleep as she does. She kisses Hilary’s cheek and sighs peacefully.

“Have you been awake long?”

Hilary looks away to find her phone on the bedside table. “About half an hour. Maybe we should just do a workout in bed. It’s less washing.”

Bri laughs into Hilary’s neck. “I’m still going to need to wash my sheets,” she replies, her hand resting against Hilary’s ribs. She’s, like, ninety percent sure that Bri can feel her heart going berserk against her ribcage. “Are you ready for breakfast?”

“I’m always hungry.” Hilary smirks, and raises an eyebrow when Bri looks up at her.

“For actual food, you horny teenager.” Bri just chuckles and rolls away, rubbing more sleep out of her eyes. Hilary follows her with her gaze as she stretches, yawns and scratches her stomach on the way to the kitchen. She stares at the contents of her fridge, turns on her kettle and starts searching through her cupboards.

“Can you blame me? Have you seen you?” Hilary doesn’t bother putting her pants back on as she extracts herself from the sheets.

“Uh, yeah I have.” Bri isn’t paying attention when hands land on her hips so she gets a shock when she’s spun around to face Hilary, no pants and all.

“And yet I’m insanely attracted to you,” Hilary says, kissing Bri who melts into the taller body. “Good morning.”

“Morning.”

-

Bri eats her Wheaties because it’s the breakfast of champions and Hilary digs her way through a pile of eggs – their chosen pre-workout meals; Bri probably shouldn’t have had the milk but Hilary laughed when she pulled out her cereal, proud of her choice and that she had some, so she couldn’t not have them.

It was a matter of pride.

They’re dressed half an hour later, the professional masks slipping on as they tie their shoes and fill water bottles.

It’s a mile and a half to the Badger’s gym – their run there is a warm up, and the walk back will be their slow recovery.

Bri’s probably going to puke.

-

To her satisfaction, she doesn’t puke; it’s still early on a Sunday so most of the student athletes won’t be hitting the gym until the afternoon, which means they have the place to themselves.

Hilary can remember herself in her freshman year, gangly and un-freakishly tall to her teammates, nervous and goofy and a complete show off.

But she worked hard and five years later she can spot the difference; more mature, stronger, faster, ready to pour her entire _soul_ into the sport she loves. To better it, develop it, make it bigger.

She’s still goofy and a little bit of a show off.

Hilary can already feel the nervous jitters ebbing away. Right now, they’re professionals, not screwing or dating or in a relationship. The line is easy to draw.

Walking through the door was like coming home, out of breath and sweating already, grinning and raring to go. She missed the atmosphere and the sense of strength she had because her world was smaller. Now it’s huge and sometimes she drowns because she skates on water, not ice and everything weighs her down in the waves.

Here, it’s different. She’s in her element.

Headphones in as they push for a miracle mile, push the sled, and hang from the equipment to do leg raises till her abs burn.

She’s grinning after slow push ups with a weight plate on her back and Bri standing over her to catch it, and mountain climbers, another two hundred metre sprint, and then a wall sit.

Bri goes a shade of pale green but keeps it down and keeps going. She almost walks away from spotting when Hilary jokes that she couldn’t hold what she was pressing, and she has to quickly take it back because oh shit, she’s going to drop the damn thing on her head.

There is a nice pace going with jumping lunges and they’re almost done.

Ten, five, two, one. Done.

“Another mile?” Bri asks with a smirk.

Hilary squirts her with her water bottle and let’s herself drop onto her back on a mat. Bri just laughs and squirts her back.

-

“Can I draw on your face?” Bri asks, eyes lighting up as she straddles Hilary’s lap.

Hilary is sitting on the edge Bri’s bed, freshly showered and dressed comfortably in jeans and a plain t-shirt. Her hair is wet and hanging over her shoulder. Hands are resting on her shoulders as she looks up at Bri.

“With what?” she asks.

“Face paint. It’s a college football game, Hils. It’s a necessity.”

“Oh really? Besides looking like a dork, what do I get out of this?”

They’re both grinning like fools, and Hilary all but melts when hands come to rest on either side of her neck as Bri kisses her slowly, teeth nipping at her lip. She’s pushed back into the mattress, and Bri sucks at some skin on her neck lightly. Hilary huffs a breathy mix of a groan and a chuckle, curling her fingers into the back pockets of Bri’s jeans.

“Well. If that’s the case, you can’t paint my face any day.” Bri ceases her assault on Hilary’s neck almost immediately, checking for any obvious sign of a mark, and leaves Hilary slightly breathless on her bed to look for her face paint. “Where are you going?”

Bri looks back at Hilary’s expression of disbelief, and smirks. “Face paint,” she says, when she pulls a tin out of a storage bin.

“You can’t start that and walk away,” Hilary whines, sitting up on her elbows. “Especially not when you aren’t wearing a shirt.”

“Yeah I can.”

“You know exactly what you’re doing.” Hilary is accusing her playfully, her tone anything but serious and she can’t keep a straight face as Bri settles back into her lap.

“Of course I do. How else am I going to get you to do what I want?” she laughs.

Hilary is pushed onto her back. “I kinda like this side of you.”

Bri laughs into her neck and starts sucking again, just enough to make Hilary tighten her grip on the belt loops on her jeans, before she pulls back. Hilary groans again, but refuses to let her get too far. The atmosphere shifts, and Hilary can feel Bri relax into her, forehead against her temple, eyes closed.

“I like this side too,” Hilary mutters.

“Ditto,” whispers Bri. There’s a soft kiss, but Bri doesn’t let it get much further; she has some serious face painting to take care of. After a beat, she pulls herself back, “Sit up. I can’t paint your face like this.”

So Hilary sits on the edge of Bri’s bed, in her jeans and plain t-shirt, hair a little damp, and a blonde in her lap. She snaps a hair tie and pulls her hair into a bun as Bri picks out her colours, preparing to create a masterpiece on Hilary’s face.

Bri’s hands clear away the stray hairs from Hilary’s face, holding them back and gets to writing ‘BADGERS’ as cleanly as she can across her forehead in red paint. On one cheek, she manages a mangled ‘W’ and on the other some war lines. Hilary makes small talk as she let’s Bri draw on her.

“What time is the game again?”

“Two, so we should probably leave soon to get some tickets.”

“Do I get to draw on your face too?” Hilary smirks, pretty sure that Bri is going to say no.

“Sure.” Bri looks down at her, a proud look on her face, and handing over the small brush.

Hilary is a little shakier than Bri, more so because of her angle but manages a relatively clean ‘WISCONSIN’ and war lines on her forehead and cheeks. “Very cute.”

Bri just grins.

-

Twenty minutes later and Bri is in the bathroom, looking for hair ties when Hilary sneaks out of the apartment, closing the door behind her as quietly as she can.

She waits a moment, smooths out imaginary creases in her clothes and re-settles her snapback on her head, before she knocks on the door. Hilary can hear Bri call out for her to get the door, only to shuffle out and realise that she’s not there, and she snaps the door open.

Bri is taken aback when she sees Hilary standing on her doorstep, hands shoved in her pockets, and a grin on her face, which is covered in red and white face paint. “Hi,” she says slowly, questioningly, looking back and forth between Hilary, and somewhere over her left shoulder as if waiting for the joke to make itself known.

“Hi there,” Hilary grins, blushing a little.

“What are you doing?”

“Picking up my date. You look cute.”

Bri just laughs at her and plays along. “Not so bad yourself, stud. Come on in, I’m almost ready.”

“Nice place,” Hilary comments, looking around and completely disregarding her own bag by the bed, and her clothes falling out of it onto the floor.

“Thanks,” comes from the bathroom. “Are you ready to watch your alma mater kick some arse?”

“Can’t you tell from the face paint how big of a Wisconsin fan I am?” Hilary says, eyes wide with sarcasm.

“That’s real dedication right there,” laughs Bri, “I warn you though, I get really into it so you better be ready to join in on the crowd chants!”

“I think I can keep up with that.”

Bri stops for a moment, watching Hilary pretending to take in the apartment as if she hadn’t been staying there for three days already. “You’re a dork.”

Hilary looks proud, “Thank you.”

“But you’re my dork.”

Hilary raises an eyebrow. This was the first indication that they had put any titles on what they were doing; okay so it wasn’t a ‘relationship’ yet and neither had expressed the desire to be classified as girlfriends, but being Bri’s dork meant _something_. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Bri almost goes shy, still standing by her bed, waiting for Hilary to respond in a way other that questioningly, return the sentiment even. But the taller of the two just stays quiet as she steps closer almost silently. “Is that okay?”

Hilary just nods, “That is definitely okay,” and accepts the kiss with enthusiasm, pulling Bri close to her as if they hadn’t seen each other in days, or even weeks.

They break apart when they both can’t stop smiling.

“So- that football game?” Hilary asks.

“Yeah, we should go before we get distracted.”

“Yeah,” agrees Hilary, following her date out of the apartment as she collects her bag and locks the door behind them.

-

The walk to the stadium isn’t far from Bri’s apartment; in relation to the Madison campus, she is pretty central to everything.

With the face paint on, Hilary even feels bold enough, behind the minor anonymity to reach for Bri’s hand. Why not? Bri already kissed her at the festival the day before in plain view of at least a thousand other people.

Every now and then, they see a group of students heading in the same general direction, jerseys or caps on, faces painted to the nines, and undoubtedly their stomachs too.

They argue when they get to the head of the line, about who is going to pay for tickets.

“Two seats in the nosebleeds, please.”

“You flew all the way out here, I can manage a couple of tickets.”

“I asked you out, so I’m paying.”

Hilary finally won when she refused to let Bri physically get within arms length of the window to hand any cash over; she grins as they head in, like a puppy, excited and seeking forgiveness playfully.

“You can buy the beer, if it will make you happy!” she offers, nudging Bri with her hip, but the blonde is already distracted at the sight of nachos. “Just kidding!” she says, and she hands over a twenty for two lots of nachos and two beers before Bri can get there.

The blonde pouts for a moment, but tucks her lip in when Hilary kisses her cheek, “Let me splurge and spoil you a little. It’s our first date.”

Hilary loses a little bit of her beer when the Badgers come out of the tunnel, band going full ball and the smoke machines billowing into the crowded stadium, the Wisconsin mascot egging everyone on to get started for the first quarter.

There are no snapchats but there are a few photos; Bri in the middle of taking a sip of her beer and Hilary poking her tongue out; Hilary trying and failing to get the melted cheese from her chin before Bri could snap one; the blonde hiding behind a grinning Hilary’s shoulder; Hilary pressing a kiss to Bri’s cheek as she raised her eyebrows in surprise; Hilary settled into her seat comfortably, arm across the back of Bri’s as she pressed herself closer, both smiling into the camera.

Okay, there were a lot of photos.

It’s a close game (they think, they’ve been a little distracted during the first half) but they’ve followed along enough to know that they’re losing by three points, and that they need a solid third quarter to stay in it.

Bri stays true to her word and laughs when she makes Hilary get up and dance at half time, “I told you, I get really into it!’ and proceeds to turn red in the face from laughing so hard. Hilary then challenges her to see who can remember more of the words to ‘On Wisconsin’ as the band revs up and the stadium wide singing begins.

The third is solid enough and despite not watching closely during the first three quarters, both are following the field players like hawks as if they have been avidly keeping tabs all season. Wisconsin has the final play and they need a touchdown to beat Akron, thinks Hilary, her arm still across the back of Bri’s.

The almost packed stadium, Hilary and Bri included, erupts as one of their player does something and throws it twenty yards to another player who is almost tackled but somehow lands in their end-zone to take it by three points.

“Would my date like to go for some post-victory celebratory ice cream?” Hilary asks, as they make their way out of the stadium into the quieter surrounding sidewalks. Bri had taken Hilary’s hand inside the stadium, trying to keep her close with the flow of people fighting for the exit.

It’s barely dark, but they keeping holding on, and Hilary spins Bri as if they’re on a dance floor, grinning like fools. “Yes.”

The parlour is fairly quiet (mostly likely due to fans aiming for bars to celebrate a victory rather than ice cream parlours), and the decision is difficult, both eyeing all thirty-six flavours because ice cream flavours is a serious matter. Hilary concedes and let’s Bri pay for her coconut crunch ice cream cone, before following her back out into the street.

“Did you have a good time?” Hilary asks, eyeing off the mint chocolate chip in Bri’s hand.

“I had an amazing time. It was a pretty good first date,” Bri answers, taking a lick across the side of her scoop, “What about you?”

“It was a perfect first date.”

They fall into an easy lull of silence as they walk slowly down the street, savouring the time together, until Bri speaks up.

“It didn’t feel any different to any other time we’ve hung out.”

“What do you mean?”

Bri smiles. “It feels like we’ve been doing this forever. Like this wasn’t the first date, but the hundredth or something. It sounds kind of cheesy, but like we were kind of meant to start sleeping together, because it lead us here.”

“It’s easy with you,” Hilary admits, quickly slurping her ice cream before it melts down her hand. “I told you yesterday that I was falling for you. Spending time with you like this, it’s only made me fall further. I’m falling in like with you.”

“Yeah?” Bri asks.

“Yeah,” Hilary smiles, grinning goofily and proudly.

“I’m falling in like with you, too, Hils.”

They’ve stopped outside Bri’s apartment building, hands linked around crumpled napkins. Hilary kisses her softly, slowly until they’re both a little out of breath, ice creams forgotten until they feel the stickiness start to run down their fingers, and have to quickly mop up the mess.

“Hilary,” Bri whispers, as Hilary is still trying to reach between her fingers to clean up.

It takes Bri tugging on her jeans to make her look up. “Yeah?”

“The ice cream ruined the moment.”

“It did yeah.”

“Hilary.”

“What?” When she looks up, Bri is staring at her, ice cream ignored and a fire in her eyes. Her stomach drops in anticipation because she knows that look.

“Take me to bed.”

Hilary doesn’t say anything, but her back straightens and she stands a little taller, drops their dessert into the trash can in the street, links her sticky fingers with Bri’s and simply turns around to drag her inside; Bri’s laughter echoes from the hallway into the night as she reaches for her keys before they all but fall into the apartment and the door slams behind them.


	13. The One Where They Have To Say Goodbye (For A Little While)

Hilary wakes up to the smell of coffee, the feel of cool sheets against her skin and the sight of her favourite blonde, wearing only her recently obtained hoodie and her glasses, hair pulled up into a bun.

She’s settled and she can actually take a breath so deep that it reaches her stomach. Compared to a few days ago, when it was a struggle to shake off the feeling of uncertainty and worry, the sensation of happiness and ease courses through her veins. She feels strong and recharged and happy and in like with the girl pouring coffee.

And she doesn’t want to leave, but for now she keeps that to herself.

It sinks in that Bri will be taking her to airport in a matter of hours, and that she will have to wait to see her in person again.

“Morning,” Bri mumbles, over the top of her coffee, a second one in her other hand as she walks back towards the bed.

“Morning,” she says, sitting up and yawning, waiting for Bri to sit down on her side of the bed before accepting the coffee and savouring a kiss, “mmm, thank you.”

They fall into a comfortable morning silence, Hilary resting on her elbow to face Bri with her coffee resting on the mess of sheets between them. “My face is itchy,” she admits, wriggling her nose to try and ease the tickle.

“You’ve still got your face paint on,” Bri laughs, and points to the pillow Hilary had claimed, “and it’s smudged. We didn’t exactly have a chance to wash our faces last night.”

“When did you wash yours?” Hilary asks.

“While I was waiting for coffee,” says Bri, taking a sip of her coffee, “you snore apparently.”

Hilary almost looks appalled. “Noooooo,” she says with an underlying tone of disbelief mixed with sarcasm.

“Yeeaaahhhh.” Bri looks rather amused, ruffling Hilary’s already unruly hair. “It’s pretty adorable, to be honest.”

“You just called me adorable.”

“Yep,” Bri laughs at her. “We established this last night, that you are _my_ dork.”

“Yeah, I am,” Hilary agrees, looking proud. There is another spell of silence. “You know that I meant it last night, right? That this isn’t just sex to me anymore, that I’m falling for you. Hard.”

“I know. It goes both ways, trust me on that,” Bri says, kissing her softly. She smiles and Hilary notes her tone changes to that kind where it’s light and honest and open, recalling memories to tell a story. “You know, I started having feelings for you the after the Minnesota game. I woke up during the night, and I think you were the little spoon, and I can remember feeling ridiculously comfortable. Even though at that point it was just sex, it just felt like I was supposed to be there. That sounds so cheesy, but from there, it just kind of kept sitting in the back of my head.”

“It was when you came to Boston for me,” Hilary says, grinning. “Getting to wake up next to you every morning, see you whenever I wanted, kiss you, touch you. Watching you stealing my clothes, or my smoothies. I remember we sitting on the couch watching a game, and it was almost perfect. We weren’t even doing anything, we were just sitting there. I didn’t want you to leave; I didn’t want to go home to an empty apartment.”

Hilary rests her head against Bri’s bicep. “I’ll be in Boston soon enough.”

“I’m not just ‘in like’ with you,” Hilary says, looking up at Bri who raises an arm to let her curl into her side, “It’s a lot more than-“

But she’s cut off before she can finish, “I know,” Bri admits, pressing another kiss to her lips. “Believe me, I know, Hils. I want this and I want you.”

“Good. Me too.”

“Oh hey, can I tell Kess?” Bri asks. “I have to brag.”

Hilary laughs. “She probably already has an idea. I kind of ranted a couple days ago, but yeah, sure, you can tell her.”

They spend a few moments in silence, until Hilary scratches at her face again, making Bri laugh. “Go wash your face, I’ll start breakfast.”

-

With a clean face, Hilary pads back out into the kitchen to curl herself against Bri as she stands at the stove, pushing back into the tall body behind her.

Bri’s hand comes up to cup the back of Hilary’s head when buries herself in Bri’s neck, and tightens the arms around her ribs.

They make out on Bri’s bed until Hilary absolutely _has to shower_ before she flies home. Bri ends up shirtless and gripping Hilary’s hair while Hilary rocks her hips looking for pressure as she hovers above the blonde, out of breath and wanting more, only to drop her head when her alarm goes off on the bedside table.

Arms wrap around her back to hold her close as they both catch their breaths.

“Go shower,” Bri whispers, breathing deep as she squeezes Hilary’s shoulder.

Hilary simply nods, unable to stop the grin, and climbs off Bri and the bed, stripping on her way to the shower.

“Not cool!”

Hilary laughs as she shuts the door.

-

Hilary hates goodbyes.

With the amount of travelling, you would think that she would be used to having to say _‘I’ll see you soon,’_ or _‘I’ll message you when I land,’_ , but it never gets any easier.

So after she has checked herself in, and messaged Meghan to ask if she can pick her up when she lands, and the two of them grab some coffee (they didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before), Hilary settles herself opposite Bri at a small table; they also hadn’t had the conversation around any public displays of affection, and they were recognisable.

Small talk flows easily enough, and soon enough her flight is called over the PA system; reluctantly they deposit their trash into a bin and head towards her gate, hands shoved deep into pockets and grins still on their faces.

“I don’t want to go,” Hilary mutters, a few moments after she’s picked Bri up in a hug.

“I don’t want you too,” she murmurs into Hilary’s neck, “but the sooner you go, the sooner we get to see each other again. And we can still FaceTime and Skype. It’s not forever, just a few weeks. And who knows? We might get roomed together at camp and Four Nations.”

Hilary nods, pulling back enough to drop her gaze to Bri’s mouth. She hesitates because they’re in public, and Bri sees, choosing to nudge her head aside with her nose, resting her forehead against her temple. Hilary’s arms involuntarily tighten.

“I’ll see you soon?” she asks.

“Yes,” Bri replies, her feet touching the ground finally. She tugs Hilary down for a gentle kiss to her cheek. “Imagine me naked,” she smirks, whispering into Hilary’s ear.

Hilary’s jaw drops and her eyebrows jump, before she grins, one perfectly shaped eyebrow higher than the other. “Okay.”

“Go! You’ll miss your flight.”

Hilary is still grinning when her phone buzzes with an answer from Meghan, agreeing and asking what time. She sends a reply as she hands over her boarding pass, and turns it off until she lands.

Her heart is a little heavy as she leaves a piece of it in Madison, waiting to be reunited.

But she feels at peace with herself and what she’s heading home too, that it’s manageable and that she will be okay.

-

Meghan greets her with a hug and a running engine and ushers her into the back seat, because she’s in a five minute zone and traffic looks horrendous and Kacey is sitting in the front.

“Hey Knighter, what’s up,” says Kacey, offering a high five over her shoulder once they’re moving.

They’re both dressed nicely, casually but neat, and Hilary briefly wonders where they were going after they drop her off. Meghan interrupts her train of thoughts.

“What were you doing in Wisconsin?” she asks, after slamming the breaks and swearing loudly when she was cut off.

“Fuck, Megs!” Kacey almost screams.

With hands on the back of Kacey’s seat to brace herself just in case, she answers. “Visiting Decks. We had a weekend off, so I thought I would get out of the city for a bit,” she shrugs like it’s nothing, preoccupied with the stream of messages she had received while in the air.

“You don’t just _get out of the city_ , Hils.”

“You missed extreme frisby, dude. Gags and Otter were very disappointed. Just make sure you check your shoes before you put them on after practice,” says Kacey, looking over at Hilary now that the traffic had thinned a bit as they moved away from the airport.

“You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You know you can talk to me if something’s not okay, right?”

“Duggs, I’m fine,” she stresses. “I just wanted out of the city, that’s it. Bri let me crash, we hung out, went to Joes. P.S, the tacos are still shitty, and we beat Akron.”

Meghan looks at her for a moment, returning her eyes to the road unsatisfied. “Alright,” she relents, “but you should know that you babble when you lie.”

Hilary nods, and looks out the window as Kacey agrees and plays with Meghan’s stereo and they begin to bicker on the way to Hilary’s to drop her off.

-

True to Kacey’s word, she finds peanut butter in her crappy tennis shoes that she’s been meaning to throw out for a while, at the end of practice on Tuesday. She shakes her head and aims one at Gags and the other Gigi, while Otter films it for snapchat, much to Kacey and Meghan’s delight.

She’s learnt by now not to target the twins, and how to annoy her teammates.

Hilary pulls out the good Nike’s she had hidden deep in her bag, with a smirk, and Monique yells something about a traitor in their midst.

“Nah, I’m just psychic.”

Bri suggests shaving cream in their gloves, after she has seen Otter’s snapchat, and Hilary makes an effort to stop at the store on the way home.

-

Friday night finds her at an arcade with half the team, warm beers on the tables, and everyone in bowling shoes.

After losing three games in a row because she’s a hockey player, not a bowler, some have headed home for some sleep before their morning of travel but a few linger and Gigi suggests drinks.

She’s been texting Bri on and off all night; she’s surprised that no one has made a comment about being attached to her phone, or why she keeps smiling at it.

Hilary follows them down the street, talking with Kacey and Blake about this weekend’s Montreal series, and how much of a pain in the arse it can be to try and beat Labonte. It doesn’t take long before Kelli disappears when her boyfriend picks her up.

“At least someone is getting laid tonight,” Alyssa says, laughing over her beer.

“At least someone is getting laid, period,” Gigi corrects her, clinking beers with Hilary, who just laughs and keeps her mouth shut.

Hilary watches, wonders if she could admit that any time soon, and she misses the look that passes between Kacey and Meghan as they laugh along.

“Speak for yourself!” Gen yells, before following a girl onto the shotty dance floor.

-

“I miss you,” she mutters, one night after a long day of training and cleaning.

Her apartment finally has everything right where she wants it, and all of her gear is clean, and now Hilary is sitting up in bed, laptop sitting on her legs as she skypes Bri.

“I miss you too. There’s not long left till Four Nations.”

“About that,” she starts, receiving a questioning look from Bri, “We should probably talk about if and how we want to address our relationship with the team.”

“Relationship?” Bri smirks.

Hilary tries to hold back a yawn and fails. “Yes, relationship. What else would you call what we are doing?”

“Does this make you my girlfriend?” Bri is giggling on the other end of the call, her tone dripping with enthusiasm and a hint of sarcasm, and Hilary can see how much fun she is having.

She makes an on the spot decision, “Yes, it does,” to which Bri stops laughing and stares at her through a computer screen.

“Okay,” she agrees, but her smile stays in place, “What were you thinking about the team?”

“Well if we admit it to one, we have to admit it to the other.”

“Not quite ready for that?” Bri asks.

“No, not when this is all very new,” she explains. “Yeah, it feels like we have been doing it forever, but we only just made the decision a week ago to go from hooking up to dating. I guess, in my head, we’re still figuring things out as well. We’ve been friends for, like, five years. And now that’s changed, so we have to adjust.”

“You can stop babbling, I can tell that you’re nervous. We’re having a discussion. And yes I agree. Admitting it to two entire teams when we’ve only been together for a very, very short amount of time? Probably not ideal, babe,” Bri says.

Hilary is definitely nervous. Maybe not nervous, but at least a little more conscious of what she is saying. As friends, if one didn’t agree they could ignore it and move on (for instance, Hilary refuses to believe that Bri actually supports Chicago). As girlfriends, they have to be more willing to accept differences of opinion (however, not a single piece of Chicago gear will be coming anywhere near Hilary’s apartment once Bri gets to Boston).

“Any suggestions?” Bri asks.

“What if we just talk to one or two?” Hilary says, lifting her shoulders in offering.

“Like who?”

“Meghan. She is our captain,” she admits, as if it is the most obvious answer in the world. “And one of our best friends. It can’t hurt to at least talk to her, or if one of us does. Gauge her reaction and then tell her or something, you know?”

“Yeah, can we sleep on it for now? Four Nations isn’t for a few more weeks,” Bri asks, “and we do have to kind of be focussed for it.”

“Definitely, I can’t take another loss to Canada.” They both wince at the memory, the pain still a little fresh, until Hilary changes the subject slightly, “So, are we still keeping _this_ separate from hockey?”

“I think so. Hockey means a lot to both of us,” Bri says.

“You mean a lot.”

“Smooth. Really. Nice segue,” she laughs, “you mean a lot, too. I don’t think we would have an issue keeping our relationship separate from being able to do our jobs on the ice. As long as we’re aware of where we stand, or whatever, especially if we’re going to talk to Meghan about it. And Kess already knows, so we can always talk to her.”

“If she doesn’t kill us first,” Hilary laughs, which turns into another yawn.

“Tired?” Bri asks.

“Just a li-li-little,” Hilary murmurs.

“Baby, go to sleep.”

“I really wish I could kiss you right now.”

Bri smiles, “the feeling is mutual. Sleep. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. We’re one day closer.”

“Okay,” she agrees. “Night babe. Sleep well!”

“You too,” Bri says, waving into the camera before she ends the call, knowing that Hilary won’t end it if she had a choice.

-

The Blades lose twice to Montreal, but have a four game winning streak by the time the rest of the team converges on Boston for camp.

It takes all of an hour for someone to put salt in Bozie’s coffee, and she can’t tell who did it because four of them are laughing too hard at her sputtering. “Arseholes,” she mutters, going for a fresh coffee, and this time, with a lid.

Hilary’s self-control wanes throughout the afternoon meeting, and definitely through dinner; the closest she got was a quick hug before they were separated again. Bri has her hair up in a messy bun, and she’s sporting a USA Hockey t-shirt; it takes everything for Hilary not to stare.

Amanda kicks her in the shins, hard, and she glares.

She sends a message to her once they’ve been released for the night, to catch up with each other or to catch up on sleep. Conveniently, Hilary has been roomed with Meghan for camp and the tournament, but she is with the Monique and Kacey down the hall with Coach for a quick meeting.

There’s a knock, and Bri is leaning against the door jamb playing with her phone. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Hilary replied, smiling. She waits until she’s heard the door click shut before she kisses Bri, hands on either side of her face. “Mmmm.”

Bri smiles into her as she’s steered backwards to the nearest wall, and lets her hands rest on Hilary’s waist, playing with the edge of t-shirt. “I missed this.”

“Me too,” Hilary mumbles, breaking the kiss to hug Bri properly (and by that, it means that she picks her girlfriend up half a foot off the floor as usual). Bri has learnt to stop complaining. “Who are rooming with?”

“Not Kess,” she replies. Both of them had hoped that if they weren’t roomed together, that maybe one of them could be roomed with Kess. “I got Vetter. We can just play it by ear.”

She gets one more kiss in, and moves away, before the door opens.

-

Stolen moments is the only way they manage to get through camp; Hilary isn’t sure she actually saw much of Bri outside of practice and two-a-days because the rest of her time was taken up by Kelli and Joss, and Meghan was always in their room.

Kess takes sympathy on their afternoon off and lets them hang out in her room without Kendall, which means they can actually be ‘disgustingly cute’ as Amanda puts it, who says as long as they don’t do anything on her bed and don’t ignore her, she doesn’t care.

So Hilary falls asleep against Bri’s shoulder.

The next thing she knows, camp is over and they’re at the airport, waiting for a flight to Vancouver. Kacey is reading a book, and Meghan is working through puzzles, and Kelli is messaging her boyfriend; the twins and Bozie are watching a movie; Bri is talking about school with Kess and Kendall; and Hilary is comfortably wedged between the goalies as they wait for their flight.


	14. The One Where They Go To Four Nations

The five hour delay doesn’t help the anticipation that is building amongst the team as they wait in the terminal. It’s a domino effect with most of the team, once one of them starts it’s downhill for the rest of them.

Hilary is pretty sure that she’s responsible for this one; from the corner she’s chosen to wait out the delay, she can see various knees jittering. It wasn’t intentional, she swears. She stopped snapchatting after an hour because to be honest, there is only so much bullshitting on snapchat she can do before even she gets bored.

Her headphones are in and she’s pretending to read through her news feed, anything to distract her from the need to be back on the ice, the craving to redeem themselves, to not cost them another penalty and lose it. She’s nervous but it’s more about getting there and the waiting is starting to drive her nuts.

And then they have to talk to Meghan.

The pathetic attempts at distracting herself aren’t working.

So she turns to watching her teammates; Kacey is currently poking Meghan in the back of the shoulder, nagging her for a walk and something to eat; Kelli is asleep with Bozie and the twins; Alex is working through an assignment; Amanda is laughing with Bri over a deck of cards, both of them side glancing Hilary; the rest are reading or listening to music or playing Heads-up with Schlep.

And Hilary is sitting alone in the corner of terminal.

She sends a few messages to her brothers, one to her mum, answers emails from her management team, plays around in her calendar, and she stretches over six and a half empty seats intending to nap. Her phone buzzes against her ribs and reluctantly pulled her beanie from over her eyes.

_‘You look bored. Want to buy your girlfriend a coffee?’_

Hilary smiles at the word ‘girlfriend’ before she lifts her head and looks across the waiting area. Bri is looking at her with a smile and a playfully questioningly raised eyebrow, and Amanda is giggling behind her hand.

She sits up, rubs her eyes and shuffles over to them. “Sure.”

Amanda laughs. “Whipped!” she coughs.

“But Kes buys her own,” Bri laughs when Amanda’s face drops.

“It’s fine, it’s not like I wanted any anyways.”

When they’re half way across the terminal, Hilary glances back at Amanda, who simply smiles and flips her off. Hilary just laughs and shoves her hands in her pockets, following.

“You okay?” Hilary asks, when they’re standing in line and Bri’s reaching up to adjust Hilary’s beanie. Hilary tips her head forward and lets her without question.

“Yeah,” she says, but even she knows she’s not very convincing when she looks away at the menu board. She gets poked in the side, “I just _really_ want to kick their arses.”

Hilary drops her voice; Meghan and Kacey are sitting in the corner. “Me too, but I know that’s not just it,” she pokes Bri in the side, “babe.”

Hilary watches Bri as she takes a breath, deep to shake the tension in her shoulders, ordering two coffees with one just the way her girlfriend likes it (light milk in her latte, one sugar and vanilla sprinkles on top), before she’s jamming her change into her pocket and shuffling to a back table.

Hilary keeps poking her until they sit down.

“I’m just a little nervous,” she admits.

“About the tournament?”

“A little. I don’t want to lose again, feel that disappointment. But that comes with every tournament, every game. It’s more about telling Meghan,” she mutters, glancing a look over Hilary’s shoulder the two in the corner. “What do you think she’ll say?”

“Either ‘finally’ or ‘are you insane?’” Hilary smirks, trying to poke some fun.

“Hils, not helping!”

“HILARY!”

Hilary squeezes Bri’s hand and picks up their coffees. “It will be fine.”

“How do you know that?” Bri asks, leaning forward on her elbows.

“Because it has to be. Because it’s Meghan and she’s not going to care. Because we’ve gone this long and it hasn’t impacted our ability to do our jobs. Because I am really really in like with you, so I have to have some hope that it will be fine.” Even Hilary isn’t entirely convinced, she reaches around her coffee grab for Bri’s fingers, to stop her playing with her fingernails. “I really wish I could kiss you right now.”

That earns her a smile, and a little bit of a blush. “Trust me, the feeling is mutual,” Bri agrees, “so we’re going to tell her first chance we get?”

“Yeah. The sooner, the better I think.”

“We still have to focus.”

“I know. But we’re both nervous. Maybe it’ll help.”

Hilary is clapped on both shoulders a few minutes later by Kacey; she’s kind of glad she didn’t kiss Bri, but at the same time, she’s rather disappointed that she couldn’t either.

“Our flight _finally_ just got called. Ready to go?” Meghan asks.

“We have some Canadian arse to kick!” says Kacey.

She’s a little too hyper, Hilary thinks. “How much coffee have you had?” she asks, resting her hand on Bri’s lower back and guiding her through the tables.

“Lots,” the defender smirks, bouncing ahead of the three forwards.

“I give it an hour before she crashes,” Meghan mutters.

-

Surprisingly Kacey made it an hour and a half before she came down from her caffeine high.

And Hilary had a front row seat to it. Gigi and Bri found it rather hilarious from the row in front of her that she had somehow ended up with a middle seat, with Amanda in the aisle seat and Kacey jammed against the window.

Both of them were asleep and, when Hilary had straightened her back to ease some of the tension in her back, both of them had decided to use her shoulders as pillows. Usually she wouldn’t care, but she can’t really move, even to reach her bag.

Arms crossed, beanie off centre more than usual and a grumpy look on her face was all Meghan saw when she took a photo of the trio, complete with the uncomfortable expression when Hilary realised that she was in fact being drooled on.

Three hours later, she’s being shaken awake and Kacey is mumbling apologies for the drool. Amanda tells her to be quiet and tries to go back to sleep.

-

By the time they steam roll Finland, the spark is back along with their confidence. Hilary nets one and gets an assist for Kacey. They’re rowdier afterwards, grinning and sweaty and proud and kind of ready for a shower.

Canada puts up a bigger fight and they go down like they did in Sochi. Three to two and miserable after. Except Hilary doesn’t punch a wall this time. There’s less talking in the locker room and more thinking on the bus ride back.

Did they get too cocky after just one win?

When they get a clean sheet against Sweden, and Kacey takes a puck to the ribs, it puts them in the gold medal game.

Another rematch.

It’s eerily silent in their hotel on their day off, and they sit through a morning team meeting to prepare and they have the afternoon off.

Hilary has a treatment and rests herself on her stomach, leaning up on her elbows to play with her phone as the trainer releases off her Achilles and makes her grit her teeth.

 _‘I’m going to go talk to Meghan after treatment’._ Hilary shoots a message off to Bri just as an elbow is pushed into her calf muscle.

_‘Is that a good idea? We should be focussing on the game tomorrow.’_

Bri has a point but if she doesn’t do it now, she probably won’t this side of Christmas.

_‘I just want to tell her. If you don’t want me to yet, I won’t.’_

_‘How’s your anxiety?’_ Bri asks. It’s a fair question, considering that a few weeks ago she was running away to Madison to help ease it.

_‘Feels okay. Normal.’_

_‘Sure you want to tell her? Today?’_

Hilary thinks about it for a moment. This could be terrible timing or this could be what she needs. She may not be anxious, but she is nervous; she’s hiding something from the team and her friends, and she’s never really liked secrets (the exception being the eight months she was sleeping with Bri). _‘Yeah. If you say no, I won’t.’_

_‘Do it. If we don’t, we won’t.’_

_‘Want to come?’_

_‘Yes. This is about both of us.’_

_‘I’ll be done in about twenty. Meet at my room?’_

_‘Okay.’_

Hilary is just about shitting herself when she walks out of the trainer’s room down the hall from hers twenty minutes later. She can see Bri down the end of the hall, hands hiding in the pockets of her hoodie, looking as terrified as Hilary feels; it makes her walk a little faster. She passes Zoe on her way and high fives out of habit, but she checks over her shoulder to make sure that she isn’t there when she pulls Bri into a hug in the door way, hidden by the alcove like doorways.

“You sure?” is whispered into her ear.

Hilary just nods. She feels Bri shift, checking the hallway and she pulls back out of instinct; Hilary feels Bri’s lips meet hers and she can feel her whole body relax as a result.

“Are you?”

Bri nods.

“Okay,” says Hilary, reluctantly letting go of her girlfriend to fish for her key card in her pockets.

Meghan said she was just going to chill for the afternoon and relax, _maybe_ watch some tape or even nap; Hilary had planned to go for a walk after treatment, but it would wait until after their talk.

Or maybe not.

Hilary let them into the room, the bathroom door open as she had left it, towels still on the floor and the vanity littered with things. The bed on the far side was hers, made beneath the layer of clothes. She suspected that Meghan might have been napping, the TV on for background noise, and Hilary was willing to wake her up if she needed to.

“Hey Duggs, you got a se--Holy shit!”

Bri ran into her back, and tipped her forward a step.

Meghan was definitely in bed, but she wasn’t alone. Hilary didn’t need to wake her after all.She was currently underneath someone and breathing heavily. And neither of them were wearing clothes. This wouldn’t be the first time that Hilary had walked in on Meghan having sex, and the two times it had happened before hadn’t fazed her in the slightest. It was college, and she was pretty sure that she had seen almost everything in her four years.

But this was the first time that she had ever walked in on Meghan with a teammate.

There was a blossoming purple bruise on the ribs of the person settled over Meghan.

“Get. Out.”

With wide eyes, Hilary’s elbow is grabbed and she’s pulled backwards out into the hall. Both Bri’s eyebrows and her own have yet to extract themselves from their hairlines a few minutes later.

“Was that Kacey?” Bri asks, jaw still slack.

Hilary was about to answer with a ‘I think so’, when her room door opened and revealed Meghan looking unimpressed and haphazardly dressed, pulling her hair up. Hilary was terrified, Bri had gone silent and was still gripping Hilary’s elbow tightly.

“Inside.”

-

“So you’re dating?” Meghan asks.

Hilary nods and takes a chance with a comment, “apparently you guys are too!”

God, she’s going to die by Kacey’s hands, judging by the glare she’s getting right now. She gets an elbow to the ribs.

“How long?”

“About a month.”

“How did this start?”

“We started hooking up after Sochi.”

Hilary feels like a school kid who has been busted doing something behind the bleachers and ended up in the principal’s office. It’s pretty close, actually. Bri is still sitting silently next to her, Kacey still with arms crossed and her jaw set next to Meghan.

“That was February.”

“Yeah,” says Hilary, “I know, I was there.”

Bri’s hand snakes into hers, fingers finding the gaps between hers. Meghan’s gaze softens. “Why did you want to tell me?”

“Because you’re our captain. We wanted to see where you stood, what you would say or do. If you had any advice or anything. And now we know who you’re doing,” Hilary smirks.

Kacey chuckles. Okay so maybe she won’t die.

“Sorry about walking in on you,” Bri mutters. “Never going to be able to un-see that!”

It becomes a little less tense in the small hotel room.

Kacey lets her arms drop from where she had them crossed, a hand landing on Meghan’s thigh. “Busted.”

“Yeah, busted.”


	15. The One With The Unsurprisingly Bearable Sting

It’s unsurprisingly quiet at the breakfast buffet the next morning.

Everyone is more focussed on eating, making a comment here and there just for conversation, the nerves are apparent and Hilary’s knee has been bouncing under the table since she sat down. So far, she’s had to remind herself to breathe four times since she woke up.

Even Meghan is silent when she sits down a few minutes later, offering a forced smile. Despite sharing a room and seeing each other when they woke up, not a lot had been said. Hilary is pretty sure that Meghan is still processing the fact that she and Bri walked in on them.

Hilary is a little embarrassed as well; she saw a little more than she ever wanted to see of either of them, and that wasn’t the ideal situation in which she wanted to admit their relationship to their captain.

With her eyes down and the message that she’s not up for talking given, Hilary settles into forcing herself to eat and remember to breathe. It means that she’s not going to keep looking up every time a Canadian walks in and out of the dining hall. It also means that she doesn’t notice her girlfriend sit down next to her until she flinches when a hand settles on her bouncing knee.

Hilary eyes snap up to meet Bri’s questioning gaze, “You okay?”

It’s quiet enough for Meghan to know that it’s not a table wide discussion, but it also lets her see the interactions between the two of them and makes her wonder how she hadn’t seen it earlier.

Hilary is slow to nod, and smirks and chuckles when Bri whispers in her ear, “Imagine me naked.”

“That’s going to distract me more,” she mutters from behind her coffee.

Their table is far enough in the corner that Bri can leave her hand on Hilary’s thigh for a few minutes, scratching her fingers over her USA Hockey sweats to give her something to focus on. The pressure sitting on Hilary’s chest eases a little the longer she gets to sit next to Bri.

“You two are good for each other,” Meghan says quietly with a smile, making the two of them look up a few minutes after Kacey joins them. “That’s not hard to see.”

Hilary is pretty sure they’ve started playing footsies under the table, especially considering the way they seem to mirror each other, but she keeps her mouth shut. Her nerves are ebb away as the conversation starts to pick up as more of their teammates join them for breakfast; she has few questions to ask them but knows this is not the time or place.

“Want to go upstairs for a little bit before the walk?” Hilary asks quietly. Bri nods and moves out of her seat.

“Not on my bed,” Meghan warns, one eyebrow raised and Kacey just laughs.

Bri laughs as well, smiling when Hilary shoves their captain playfully. “Oh, shut up!”

They walk in silence back towards the elevators, hands shoved in their pockets and they make their way through the occasional string of teammates, standing tall when a few Canadian’s walk past them.

Hilary sinks against the elevator wall; they’re alone on the way up to the ninth floor, leaving enough time for Bri to slip her hand into the pocket of Hilary’s hoodie, fingers threading together until the elevator dings to announce their arrival. When she finally manages to get the door open, Bri is the first to collapse onto her bed, made before she went down to breakfast.

Bri’s arms are open, letting Hilary crawl across the bed to settle above her with a sigh. She rests on her elbows, looking down at her girlfriend, there is a hand in her hair, fingers threading through the occasional loose strand beneath her messy bun.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Bri asks, her free hand slipping beneath the back of Hilary’s hoodie. “Or did you just say that because Meghan was there?”

Hilary leans down to kiss her, hand cupping both sides of Bri’s face. The hand on her back scratches at her skin and she sinks a little further into the body beneath her. “I’m just nervous. Reminding myself to breathe. Trying to stay focussed.”

“But?”

Hilary smiles because Bri knows her, better than she knows herself sometimes. “But, I’m just worried that we’re going to lose. Again. The same way we did last time.”

“Baby, you need to have faith. And breathe. Just because you’re the face of it, doesn’t mean that you have to take on all the pressure that comes with it. That’s for all of us to carry. Okay? We are a good team. It’s not the end of the world if we lose a game. We know we are a good team, and we know that we can beat them. We just have to do it.”

Hilary nods.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes,” Hilary whispers.

“It will be fine. You will be just fine. Okay?”

Hilary nods again, “Yeah. Okay.” She feels lighter,

“Just promise me something?” Bri asks.

“Sure.”

“If we lose, please don’t punch any walls,” Bri says, making Hilary chuckle. “I like your hands when they’re fully functional.”

Hilary laughs more fully, into her belly and against Bri. “I’ll try my hardest.”

“Thank you,” Bri whispers. “We can make out now.”

“Awesome,” she smiles, before she presses her lips against Bri’s.

Twenty minutes later, when Meghan comes up to collect them, Kacey lagging behind because she doesn’t exactly want to walk in on them having sex, they find Hilary without a shirt and Kacey almost smirks.

-

It’s quiet on the team walk before they head over to the stadium. Coach gives a speech about being proud of them and how hard they have worked; it’s their chance to throw it back in Canada’s face while they wait out the four years to the next Olympics.

There’s a river behind their hotel, and with scarves and beanies on, jackets and sunglasses, they wander slowly, starting to stretch their legs a little, clear their heads or mentally prepare themselves.

Gigi is currently being chased down the river bank by Bozie, who had recently become accustomed to the taste of salt in her coffee.

-

The bus ride is almost in complete silence.

Hilary feels a little more grounded with her headphones in and her pre-game playlist blaring in her ears.

Bri is sitting in her usual seat two rows behind her, her own headphones in, watching the scenery as they roll through downtown Kamloops.

When Hilary looks back at her, she gets a soft smile and a wink.

She smiles back and relaxes into her seat.

-

It’s not the Olympics, but to them it’s still a big deal. It’s their chance to beat Canada, rather than inflating their ego by letting them win. Headphones disappear once they get into the locker room, and twenty one pre-game rituals start.

Hilary takes her usual stall between Gigi and Kacey, fist-bumping them at the same time, before she starts getting dressed for warm-ups.

Nike Pro’s, pants, shin guards, left leg, right leg. Compression top, shoulder pads, elbow pads, jersey, skates left and then right. She fiddles with her gloves, slipping her hands in and out reflexively as she listens to the game plan.

Others float around as he talks. Her knees don’t bounce like they had at breakfast, and she sees Meghan draw Amanda’s arrow for her.

She head butts all the goalies before they get out on the ice (“You and your weird habits with Goalies,” she hears Amanda mutter) and is the last one out before Duggs; it’s been that way since college.

They’re ready to go when their captain gives them their speech in the net.

-

It stays close and they fight for every possession, against the boards and in each zone. Every scrap, every shot, every save, every steal, and every cheap blow is all done with the need to show their domination over the other

By the end of the first, they’re down by one.

There’s only one actual fight that results in the twins and Kelli in the box, while Caro and Agosta have to sit it out too.

It’s tense when they get back on the ice, and Hilary gets shoved into the boards more than once.

By the end of the second, it’s tied two a piece; Bri and Hilary score, matching Wakefield’s attempts to lead her team to victory.

Twenty minutes is all they have to prove themselves, and the desperation begins to seep in as they get closer to the third.

“There’s still twenty minutes. It’s plenty of time to get another one,” says Meghan.

Hilary can see the desperation in her eyes from across the room, the pressure to perform as captain, and the crumbling façade as she lets the feeling of failure in.

It’s rougher in the third, Meghan gets dropped and Kacey hits back a few minutes later; she mutters that two minutes is worth it to put Wickenheiser on her arse on the ice. Bri is shoved hard into the boards behind Canada’s net and is slow to get up; Kes comes out of nowhere to knock Watchhorn off balance and another scuffle breaks out.

Labontè and Vetter take shot after shot and with only a few minutes left, it looks like it’s going to head to overtime. Amanda gets close, Meghan gets a little closer, Poulin gets closer than both of them.

It’s scoreless through the rest of the period, and then they go to a shootout.

They all miss except for Jenner.

Once again, they lose. Once again, Canada is victorious by one goal.

Hilary can tell how disappointed her teammates are as they shake lines and get their medals; Meghan isn’t crying this time but her jaw is tight as if she’s fighting for composure, waiting until she’s not surrounded by the players she’s been asked to lead.

It hurts, although the sting doesn’t feel as bad, as her silver medal is placed around her neck, and she watches as they’re awarded the cup. Maybe she’s still numb from Sochi. Maybe she’s gotten used to losing to them. Maybe she’s just built up more of a tolerance.

“On to the next one,” someone mutters miserably, as they shuffle off the ice.

-

“Do you care if Kacey stays?” Meghan asks, as they’re getting ready for bed.

They’ve both been uncharacteristically quiet since the game; even her post-game speech was lacking its usual enthusiasm and drive.

Hilary shakes her head; Meghan needs her rock, the same way Hilary needs hers, the craving for comfort able to be fulfilled now that they’re not having to hide so strictly. “Do you mind if Bri comes over?”

“Course not,” Meghan mutters. “Thanks Hils.”

“For what?” she asks, Hilary sending a text to Bri and jamming the hotel room door open with one of Meghan’s shoes.

“For not caring about me and Kacey.”

“It would be a bit of a contradiction if I had a problem with it, wouldn’t it?” Hilary asks. “Was it unexpected as hell? Yes. Does it both me? No.”

“I meant what I said this morning. You two are good for each other.”

Hilary smiles. “I’ve known you since college. You look ridiculously happy when you look at her. At least in the short amount of time I’ve known about you two. How long have you two been together anyways?”

Meghan sends a message to Kacey and settles onto her bed to wait. “Just over two and a half years. Our anniversary is in July.”

“You managed to keep your relationship a secret for two years?” Hilary asks exasperatedly.

“Well Kelli knows, she basically got us together. And Brent because we all lived together,” says Meghan, pausing to answer Kacey as she called out from the door, “leave it open, Decker is coming over. And our families know. We’re going to Kacey’s parents for Thanksgiving.”

Kacey shuffles in and nods at Hilary, before giving Meghan a kiss and dropping onto her girlfriend’s bed. “Kelli has the room to herself, she’s quite pleased with the situation.”

Hilary laughs.

“Can I shut the door?” comes from the hallway.

“Yes,” is yelled at her three times.

“Okay, jeez!” Bri mutters jokingly, the door shutting behind her as she shuffles into the room and sinks into Hilary’s bed next to her, her head dropping to her girlfriends shoulder. "What are we talking about?”

“They’ve been together for almost two and a half years.”

“Yeah we have,” Kacey smirks proudly from the bed opposite. “What about you two?”

“We were hooking up until about six weeks ago. Haven’t had much time to actually see each other, other than skype and facetime,” Bri mutters.

“Hang on, was that the weekend you went to Wisconsin?” Kacey asks.

Meghan has already repositioned herself against the bed head, Kacey using her lap as a pillow.

“Yep,” says Hilary, looking down at Bri.

“Please don’t give me cavities,” Kacey mutters, burying her head. “It’s time for bed.”

“I second that,” says Hilary, squeezing Bri’s thigh as the four of them begin to shuffle around in order to climb under the covers.

It’s hard not to eavesdrop when you’re sharing a room with another couple, but after the lights go off, Hilary can hear Kacey whispering that she loves Meghan, and a few seconds later it comes back from Meghan. There’s a kiss, and a sigh and it goes silent.

Hilary wraps her arms a little tighter around Bri’s waist as she plays the big spoon. She presses a kiss to the back of Bri’s neck and whispers a goodnight, feeling Bri push back into her as she starts to fall asleep.

The sting isn’t so bad this time, she thinks.


	16. The One Where Hilary Gets Called Whipped

“I’m not asking because she’s my girlfriend,” Hilary starts and she hands over a twenty for coffee with Kacey before their morning workout, “but you and Brent are still half-arseing finding another roommate right?”

“Our hockey equipment is set out perfectly in Meghan’s old room, but it doesn’t pay rent. We’ve just been lazy, why do you ask?” Kacey asks, shoving her hands into her pockets to lead Hilary over to the side counter to wait.

“I’m asking because I got a phone call early this morning from my panicked, almost in tears, girlfriend who’s soon to be roommates in this amazing apartment building downtown flaked and never signed the lease, and therefore she does not have anywhere to live when she’s got like six weeks until she’s supposed to move.”

Hilary explains the situation all in one breath, mirroring the rushed, anxious and disheartened voice of her girlfriend, who had called Hilary at six thirty this morning when she should have been at morning skate with the Badgers and when Hilary should have been asleep for another half an hour before sending her usual ‘good morning’ text to Bri.

It had taken Hilary almost half an hour to calm Bri down, telling her that it would work out, that they would figure something out and that it would be okay. It took her half an hour to convince Bri that her words were true.

In an instant she was reminded of her panic attack when she arrived in Boston, unsure of what to do and very much aware of how isolated she felt. She wondered after she hung up from Bri as she was walking out the door to meet Kacey, if this was what it felt like for her mum when Hilary had called, crying and terrified of the change, trying to convey all of the confidence and trust she had in her daughter that she would be okay, that she would figure it out, that nothing she could do would disappoint her parents.

“Ahh,” says Kacey. “So you’re asking out of curiosity about whether or not I think Bri could move in with us?”

Hilary bites her lip, “yeah. I didn’t tell her I was asking just in case you guys had another plan for Meghan’s old room.”

Kacey shrugs. “It’s weird not having Meghan down the hall. It’s too quiet,” she mutters, side glancing Hilary. “I don’t think Brent’s complaining about that too much though,” she smirks.

“Gross, Kacey!” Hilary laughs. “But let’s be honest, she was never ‘down the hall’.”

“What?” she questions. “You’ve already gotten a front row seat to the show, remember?”

“If we’re having sex, we’re not doing when you’re home!”

“I’ll make sure to stay at Meghan’s then!” Kacey says with finality. “But seriously. I’ll ask him what he thinks. She got a job yet?”

“She has a couple of interviews, I think. I don’t think she wants to say much in case she doesn’t get them. That way she only has herself to disappoint.”

“Yeah,” Kacey agrees, her eyes gazing off as she thinks. “I can’t see Brent having an issue as long as she can pay rent. He’s a stickler about bills, but I’ll ask him anyway. If he’s cool with it, I’ll let you know? Just don’t give me cavities!”

“Thank you,” Hilary huffs. “You’re a life saver.”

Kacey just laughs, and reaches for her coffee. “I haven’t said yes yet, Knighter,” says Kacey, eyeing Hilary’s now only slightly anxious demeanour. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, following Kacey out of the Starbucks, “I just don’t want her to struggle.” She can see Kacey thinking out of the corner of her eye.

“What do you mean ‘struggle’?”

Hilary almost stops; even Kacey never knew about her panic attacks and constant state of worry that occupied her mind her and her chest for the first few months of her life in Boston. “Just that it was hard when I first got here, family isn’t as close and you feel a little more alone. You have to step up and do it on your own. I just don’t want her to struggle is all.”

“It’s Decker. She’s a tough kid,” says Kacey, looping an arm over Hilary’s neck to ring her in closer and seeming to take her answer at face value. “Besides, she’s family. Family looks after family.”

“Thanks Kace,” Hilary mutters.

“You know you can talk to me right? We traded keys for a reason, not just for ‘emergencies’,” Kacey emphasises.

“Yeah, I know.” Hilary feels a pang of guilt for never taking advantage of that avenue, of not seeking Kacey or Meghan out earlier; after all, they had been doing the responsible adult, functioning as productive members of society for longer that she had, maybe that has some advice.

Kacey forces her to make eye contact. “You’re family too, Knighter,” she reminds Hilary. “Now come on. We have to go and lift some heavy shit!”

Hilary laughs, and shoves Kacey playfully.

-

Hilary is definitely anxious.

She can tell by the atrocity that is her bitten and chipped fingernails, and the heaviness in her muscles. Long and hard workouts have been her distraction.

It takes a rough series in Montreal that results in Kacey getting shoved into the boards and Hilary getting tripped twice. It’s by the time she’s icing her hip in bed, head resting in Meghan’s lap in Kacey and Hilary’s room, that she remembers their conversation from earlier in the week.

“I talked to Brent,” she mutters, yawning because Meghan’s fingers in her hair is going to put her to sleep.

“And?” Hilary asks. She’s in the middle of texting Bri, whose panic and stress levels haven’t diminished in any way, telling her about the game and asking about classes before she tells her girlfriend to sleep well.

“He’s all for it. Anything to reduce his share of the rent,” Kacey laughs. “If she’s up for it, if she wants it, our spare room is hers.”

“Tell Brent I’m going to buy him a six pack.”

“He doesn’t drink beer.”

“Of cupcakes then,” she mutters sarcastically. Kacey is close to falling asleep; Hilary feels like she’s intruding even though it’s her room and suddenly the hallway seems like a better place to be. “I’m gonna go call Bri.”

Her Boston teammates have all retreated to their rooms; it’s getting late and they have an early departure in the morning so Hilary has no issue sitting herself down against the wall opposite her room door before she scrolls through her contacts and hitting ‘call’.

“Hi,” comes through the phone softly.

“Hi,” Hilary mutters back. “How’s study going?”

“I’ve given up for the night. I can’t concentrate,” Bri admits.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. It’s just been a shit week. My brothers are so annoying.”

“I know the feeling,” she laughs. “You at home?”

“Yeah, family dinner.”

“You should cling wrap their cars before you leave. Or the toilet,” Hilary suggests.

Bri laughs. “Yeah, maybe.”

“I’ve got some good news. We’ve got a bye-week before Thanksgiving and I have a surprise for you, I was hoping you would come down for the weekend.” Hilary didn’t want to tell Bri just yet, she wanted to show her.

“A surprise?” Bri asks, sounding sceptical. “What kind of surprise?”

“A good one but you have to be here to see it.”

“Is this going to be like the last time I came to Boston?” Bri laughs, “When we spent most of our time in bed.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Hilary exclaims. She’s smirking, and it takes her a minute to realise that Bri can’t actually see her. “What do you say? Want to come visit your girlfriend? I will seriously make it worth your while.”

“A good surprise, huh?”

“A very good one, I promise.”

“Okay,” Bri agrees, albeit reluctantly. “I guess I miss you enough to buy a ticket to Boston. And I guess I need to start apartment hunting again anyways.”

“Hey, it’ll work out. I promise.”

“That’s a big promise to make.”

“I don’t break my promises, you know that.” It goes silent on the other end of the line. “Have you figured out how you are going to get all of your stuff out to Boston?”

Hilary can hear Bri’s breath hitch on the other end, stilted for a moment before she answers, “Um. I was going to U-haul it after Christmas. Take a couple days and drive out. Why, you want to join me on a two, three day road-trip?” she laughs.

“Hell yeah!”

“You want to be stuck in a car with me for that long?”

“Remember that I want to be stuck with you in more than just a car,” Hilary says, smiling fondly.

“Very smooth, Hils.”

They both share a laugh. “I try.”

“You’d have to fly to Wisconsin, but I don’t know if there is a point if I don’t have anywhere to stay,” Bri mutters, the mood turning.

“Babe,” Hilary starts, the last thing she wants is to keep Bri’s bad week going into the next one. “Just come to Boston. Everything will be okay.”

“Yeah. You don’t break your promises.”

“No, I don’t,” Hilary confirms.

In the background, Hilary can hear who she thinks is Bri’s mum, yelling for her and something about it being Bri’s turn to do the dishes. “Babe, I have to go.”

“Okay. Hopefully Meghan has put Kacey to sleep and I’m not going to walk in anything.”

“How is Kacey?” Bri asks. “I was watching the spectacularly crappy feed, saw her get slammed into the boards.”

“She’s alright,” Hilary admits. “She’s going to be sore for the next couple of days.”

She hears Bri’s mum yell again. This time with the full name. “I’m in trouble. I really have to go.”

“Alright, goodnight babe. Try not to stress too much, it’ll be fine.” There’s a pause from Hilary, as if there is something missing from her goodnight. She’s scratching the back of her neck as she speaks, dropping her voice as Meghan lets herself out of Hilary and Kacey’s room, hoping that it’s not too soon to be saying, or at the very least insinuating her feelings, nervous as the words tumble from her mouth. “I –uh I _like_ you.”

She can see Meghan try not to grin as she tries not to listen in as Bri holds her attention.

“I _like_ you too,” Hilary can hear the smile through the phone. “Go to bed, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I have to go before my mother yells at me again. Goodnight.”

“Alright, night.” When Hilary finally hangs up and turns her attention to Meghan, she can see her captain trying and failing to hide the grin. “Shut up!”

“You are so whipped,” Meghan laughs.

“Says the pot to the kettle.”

Meghan just shrugs and lowers herself against the wall opposite Hilary. “She’s it for me, I’m allowed to be. And you didn’t deny it.”

“When are you going to put a ring on it?” Hilary jokes, but Meghan’s soft expression doesn’t falter. “Wait, are you?”

Meghan shrugs, “I’m working on it. Not quite ready for ‘l’ word yet huh?”

“I’m working on it,” Hilary says sheepishly. “It’s still new. I don’t want to rush it. I don’t want to scare her away.”

“I don’t think you will,” suggests Meghan. “I’m not blind. I saw the two of you at Four Nations; you’re both head over heels for each other. So I don’t think you have to worry about scaring her off.”

Hilary can’t help the grin and the blush that takes over her face as she bites her lip and they sit in silence for a few moments. It’s always been easy with Meghan; ever since college, it’s always been easy to be able to sit in silence without the _need_ to say anything.

“It’s not hard to see how in love you are with her.”

“Are you really going to ask her?” Hilary asks, a ludicrous grin on her face.

“Not a word,” she warns. Her authority makes Hilary hold her tongue, hands raised in surrender. “Go to bed, Knighter. She’s out cold so try not to wake her.”

“Sure thing, Duggs.”

-

It’s a few days later that Hilary finds herself as Kacey’s footstool in what was to possibly be Bri’s new apartment. Hilary has begun spending more time with Kacey – and Meghan when she’s in Boston – since she and Bri admitted their relationship to the two veterans.

They were resting on the couch, Kacey still stretching out the bruise on her hip, watching a replay of Merrimack’s latest game and sharing commentary duties to pick apart the plays, when Hilary’s phone dings from the armrest beside her.

_‘Flight gets in Friday at 3.’_

_‘I’ll be there, beautiful.’_

Hilary smiles and ignores the playful nudge Kacey gives her with her foot. “Dude, your specialty teams suck. Also can I borrow Meghan’s old set of keys to show Bri your apartment on Friday?”

“We’re working on it. What do you think of these lines for specials?” Kacey asks, slowing the film down to and handing Hilary her notebook. She reluctantly leaves the couch and shuffles out into the hallway, opening a few drawers as she goes, before she drops keys into Hilary’s outstretched hands and feet back into Hilary’s lap. “We have a series this weekend so we won’t be here. We leave Friday afternoon.”

“Okay. Thanks Kace,” Hilary is still examining the lines in Kacey’s notebook. “You need to switch your wingers.”


	17. The One With Those Three Little Words

For a Friday night, Logan Airport is ridiculously busy.

It takes Hilary so long to find a parking space that she has to run to the arrivals terminal, afraid that she was going to miss Bri landing in Boston. The afternoon wind nips across her face and she’s pretty sure it’s going to rain tonight, as she jogs across the bridge and the road from the parking structure and into the terminal, immediately scanning the arrivals board.

“For a second there, I thought you forgot me,” comes from her left, and she spins around to see Bri leaning against one of the structural pillars, overnight bag and backpack sitting at her feet, as she smiles in the direction of her girlfriend.

Hilary’s shoulders drop and she lets out a huff as she grins, dropping her keys and her phone into her pockets. “As if I could forget _you_ ,” she says, pausing to take in Bri in her worn jeans and sneakers Hilary is sure need to be replaced and Nike hoodie, looking so comfortable and kissable.

“Well, you just going to stand there? Or are you going to come and kiss me hello?” Bri asks, pushing off from the pillar.

Hilary crosses the distance between them without hesitation, slipping her arms around Bri’s waist, lifting her in her usual hug. A hand came to rest on the back of her neck, an arm across her broad shoulders and Hilary’s arms burn a little from the heavy workout she had done this morning. It doesn’t last long, their hug, as Hilary lowers Bri and settles her hands on either side of Bri’s neck to kiss her slowly.

Bri curves into her, hands sitting on Hilary’s hips to hold her close that gave Hilary’s shivers and any concern they had previously held about their public displays of affection disappeared; they were more interested in saying hello.

“Hi,” Bri mutters, letting Hilary’s bottom lip go as she smiles.

Hilary chuckles, “Hi.”

Bri tightens her grip around Hilary’s middle, “I missed you.”

“I can tell,” she grins. “I missed you too.” She’s giddy that Bri is here, that she finally gets to see her girlfriend in person, fall asleep next to her, kiss her whenever she wants, fall a little further. Even if it’s only for a weekend. She brushes a kiss to Bri’s forehead and settles into the hug. “Ready to go?” she asks after a few minutes.

“Yeah,” Bri agrees, stealing Hilary’s snapback with a smirk. “I want my surprise.”

“I was wondering how long it would take for you to ask about it.” Hilary takes Bri’s overnight bag and her hand and directs her out into the sinking afternoon sunshine.

“You made a big deal about it, I flew all the way out here for it.”

“I thought you missed me so much that you would buy a ticket, and that a surprise was just icing on the cake.”

“There’s cake?” Bri asks, smiling as she raised an eyebrow.

Hilary just laughs, kisses Bri and closes the passenger door. “There could be cake.”

-

They drive back towards the city, conversation staying light about the season and classes and how if a grounding could stick these days, Bri would have been without a phone or her laptop for weeks after she cling wrapped all three of her brothers cars, poured water in all of their shoes, and taped fog horns behind their bedroom door handles.

“Remind me to team up with you, and to never piss you off,” Hilary mutters, as she takes a turnoff. “The Blades are not going to know what hit them.”

While the neighbourhood isn’t overly familiar, it’s different enough for Bri to be able to tell the difference between it and Hilary’s; Hilary’s apartment is further south, closer to the tracks and practically inside the industrial sector, whereas their current area was out north, the buildings more red brick and an abundance of trees more common.

“Where are we going?” she asks, fiddling with Hilary’s free hand in her lap. “Are we taking the scenic route home?”

“So you can wait for your surprise?” Hilary answers, checking the flow of traffic and turning onto Kacey’s street. She forces herself to take a deep breath, to steady her jumping heartbeat; Bri just called her apartment ‘home’.

“What are you up to?”

Hilary grins. “It’s a surprise.”

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” Bri says, face dropping and glaring at her girlfriend.

“Nope,” Hilary presses a kiss to the back of Bri’s hand and slides into a free parking spot. “We’re here.”

“Where is here?” Bri questions, reclaiming Hilary’s hand when she’s met outside the passenger door.

“I’ll show you.”

Hilary pulls out Meghan’s old set of keys, unlocking the security door before leading Bri inside and up to the third floor. When they stop outside apartment 3C, Hilary is close to being interrogated; Bri doesn’t stop the whole way up.

“Seriously, Hils, where are we?”

“We’re almost there, I promise,” she says, letting herself into Kacey and Brent’s shared apartment. “Come on.”

“You have a set of keys, to an apartment that is not yours, unless you’ve moved without telling me, and we’re in a neighbourhood that I don’t know,” Bri states, “what is going on?”

It’s still warm inside the apartment, and Hilary stays quiet, hoping that Bri misses the photos on the fridge and the medals on the walls. There are touches of Kacey all over, remnants of Meghan, and bits and pieces of a guy who shares an apartment with two women. There’s hockey everywhere. Hilary walks them through slowly, letting Bri take it in before she leads them down the hall on the left to bedrooms, aiming for the one at the very end opposite Kacey’s.

“What do you think?” she asks. She opens the door and finds spare hockey equipment laid out, extra skates and sticks packed properly, a few storage boxes to save room in bedrooms, but otherwise bare. Hilary leads them further in.

“I have no idea where we are.”

“Well, I thought your bed could go there,” she says, pointing at the wall opposite the door, letting go of her girlfriend’s hand. “And the closet is big enough to fit _all_ of your clothes. Your dresser can sit there. You can probably fit a set of shelves and maybe a desk if you need it. And that corner is big enough to fit your hockey stuff.”

The confusion increases on Bri’s face. “Whose apartment is this?” she asks quietly.

“It’s Kacey’s and Brent’s. They coach Merrimack together,” she explains. “It could be yours too, if you want it.”

“Are you serious?” Bri asks, her unsure gaze softening.

Hilary’s hands slip into her pockets. “I told you, I keep my promises. I wasn’t about to just leave you hanging with this, or give you a reason not to come out here. Kace and Brent are both cool with you moving in. All you have to do it talk out the details with them.”

“I have somewhere to live?”

“Yep,” Hilary says, catching Bri, who gets enough air when she jumps to tighten her thighs around Hilary’s hips. “Oomph. Rink is forty minutes away, but that’s a given. My place is only twenty minutes.”

Hilary smiles into the kiss Bri presses to her lips. “Thank you,” Bri whispers when she pulls back.

“Any time, babe.” Hilary winks, and Bri laughs and drops back to the floor to explore the apartment a little more, hand linked with Hilary’s as she drags her around her soon to be apartment.

-

It’s raining by the time they leave the apartment; they had spent a little longer exploring the apartment as Bri tried to imagine herself settling in as Kacey’s roommate, and a little longer making out on the couch after Hilary had suggested a celebratory make out session.

They have to run back to the car, but they’re still soaked through when they climb into the jeep as if they had been standing in the middle of the street the entire time.

“Welcome to Boston,” Hilary says, starting the car and pulling into the evening traffic.

-

“Ugh! Home!” Bri mutters when they finally make it through the door half an out later.

Hilary smiles again and let’s herself get dragged off to the bathroom for a hot shower; they make out a little more but Hilary leaves her girlfriend to finish when her stomach starts growling.

Lightening starts when Bri is still in the shower, and Hilary is shuffling back and forth tiredly in the kitchen making dinner. The TV is on, playing music from a playlist on her phone, keeping the hum of rain to a minimum, and there’s a bottle of wine open on the far end of the counter, two glasses next to it.

Hair wet and flung up to keep it out of her face as she concentrates on a vegetable stir-fry, a t-shirt and sweats helps stop the oil burns (she learnt that the hard way when she cooked steak one time) and bare feet tickling the floorboards as she realises how easy and normal it feels; Bri is in the shower, and she’s cooking dinner and they’ll probably share the washing up before they go to bed.

She’s pulled from her thoughts over the stove when Bri wraps her arms around her from behind, forehead resting right between her shoulder blades.

“Hi there,” she says, unable to stop another smile; it’s contagious when she’s around Bri.

A reply comes back muffled through the fabric of her t-shirt, “Hi.”

Hilary can feel the frame of Bri’s glasses against her back, and when she lifts an arm and Bri fits into her side easily, her girlfriend lets out a yawn. “It’s only seven thirty.”

“I know. I’m exhausted,” she admits.

“Early bed for you,” Hilary says, but she catches Bri’s yawn. “Why are you so tired?”

“Early one for you too,” Bri mutters around a sip of her wine. “I think it’s catching up with me, now that I don’t have to worry about finding another apartment.”

“Yeah,” Hilary agrees. “We can definitely sleep in tomorrow, no alarms.”

“That sounds amazing.”

“You know what else sounds amazing?” Hilary asks, ceasing her stirring to cup Bri’s face with both hands, kissing her softly. “I get to fall asleep next you, and wake up next to you, all weekend. I get to kiss you whenever I want.”

“I like it when that happens,” Bri answers, eyes still shut when Hilary pulls away to find some bowls for dinner.

“Me too,” she admits. “Now, grubs up!”

Hilary kisses Bri one more time with hands full of food and wine out to the couch, to find a plotless television show to watch while they eat; a sports game will get them excited and they won’t sleep for another two hours, but there are terrible renovation episodes that they spend half an hour criticising.

Hilary takes her place in the middle of the couch, her lap used as a leg rest for Bri’s legs as they eat.

“This is perfect,” Hilary says, as she picks up a soapy plate from the dish rack to dry it and put it back in the cupboard above.

“Doing the dishes?” Bri asks, an eyebrow raised as she settles their glasses in there.

Hilary smiles. “Doing the dishes with _you_ ,” she mutters. “It’s ridiculously normal. It’s ridiculously perfect. That sounds so dorky, and I never thought housework would be appealing, but it’s true.”

“It is pretty dorky,” the blonde agrees, and then she smirks, “but you are kind of right. It is pretty perfect.”

Bri then decides to let out rather large yawn. “Alright, sleepy. Bed time for you.”

“What if I want to make out with you a little more?” Bri asks, pulling Hilary forward by the bottom of her t-shirt.

Hilary smirks, holds a finger up, “don’t move,” she mutters, and then the apartment sinks into darkness as the living room lights are turned off, the flat screen’s glow disappears and the hum of rain grows in the absence.

She finds Bri standing in the middle of the kitchen, right where she left her, hands seeking out Hilary’s body, moaning when lips meet hers as she is walked backwards around the corner and into the bedroom.

The occasional flash lights up the apartment, and they struggle not to trip on Bri’s bag in the dark.

The bedside lamp is turned on before Bri is lowered to the bed and Hilary settles half on top, a leg between Bri’s and leaning on her elbow, a hand beneath Bri’s top tickling her ribs.

“I love you,” Hilary whispers, pressing up to kiss her, not long after Bri bucks her hips and rolls them.

Bri freezes above her, still and taken aback, Hilary’s hands on her hips suddenly very warm. She’s pretty sure she’s just royally fucked up. She gulps and starts to feel a pressure in her chest, the anxious kind.

Until Bri’s eyes soften and she’s pressed further into the mattress, lips on hers.

“I love you too,” Bri whispers, and Hilary’s heart finally starts beating normally again.


End file.
